Welcome, friends! I’m so honored to be joining Lara and the rest of the book club team to share my thoughts on Chapter 2 with you. Before we jump in, enjoy this little video from Lara 🙂
 |
| http://www.larawilliams.org/to-walk-or-stay/ |
Chapter 2: Laying Down My Need to Control
“Lord, I just can’t do this on my own anymore. I can’t make the doors open. I can’t make my daughter sleep through the night. I can’t fix it. It’s Yours now. Your will, not mine.”
This year has rocked my sense of control. I thought I was in control of my career, and nearly lost it. I thought I was in control of my dreams, and God has blown me away with His vision for my life. I thought I would read a few books and know exactly how to raise a child. Then God blessed with me a daughter who is my mini-me in more than looks alone. I thought I could do it all, be supermom, super-wife, super-friend, and super-employee while life fit into neat little boxes.
“Up until then, I thought I controlled my life. I had boxes in my mind where I neatly placed people and situations, defining how life should behave. The labels on the outside explained the contents. And the lids stayed tightly closed.” ~ Lara Williams, To Walk or Stay
I tried. I tried to hang on to control with everything I had. I tried to keep fitting it all into those little boxes. Until I read this chapter in Lara’s book and realized that the only way to hold on to it all was to open my hands and lay it at the foot of the cross. I had to let it go.
I had to stop trying to fit every area of my life into a box. I had to stop trying to change “them” and ask God how He wanted to change my heart. I asked Him to show me how I was trying to control what wasn’t mine, and He did. Oh boy, He did. And He gently reminded me that nothing I could do in my attempt to control would stop the hard days from coming. My marriage would feel rocky some days. My daughter would have sleepless nights and tantrums. There would be sad days, frustrating days, surprisingly amazing days, and still some days would be valleys.
“This side of Christ’s return, valleys will come. Some valleys will knock us clear to the ground with their unpredictability. Others will just trip us up, leaving dust on our shoes. Regardless of the degree, they will come. But I’m convinced that He remains completely in control.” ~ Lara Williams, To Walk or Stay
This chapter reminded me:
- I don’t need to contend for control
- I don’t need to put God (or anyone..or anything else) in a box
- I don’t need to set the agenda
I just need to open my hands. Kneel low and let Christ be raised high. My heart desires His will to be done in my life – so I’ll pray every morning that I’ll be able to get out of the way, and trust Him again and again.
Discussion Questions:
How have you seen the “desire to control” play out in your own life?
Digging Deeper:
Take some time to write out your thoughts and prayer to our Lord. Be real. Be raw. Then allow His Truth to invade and rain down. He promises renewed strength for those who bind to Him. Share with us here, what specific verses encourage your spirit?
So glad you joined me today! Let’s chat with one another in the comments – if you don’t mind, will you show a little love to the person who comments before you, to keep the conversations going?
that though the feeling of control is safe…it is not always good.
Yes, this
LOL. Could be mine as well. Keep me humble. 🙂
I’ve seen this book floating around the interwebs and thought… oh good, one book I don’t need. I’m not in danger of walking away from my marriage. I’m good…
AND THEN THIS from Lara’s video: “Control is an insecurity issue…” OUCH!! My dear husband (speaking in love) just told me last week that I was being a control freak. (which is why I’m just getting back to comment now–it was too fresh last week). I can’t even begin to share the ways I am trying to control my life, my marriage, my kids, my circumstances. I like routine and hate when my plans get thrown out of whack…
I might just need a copy of this book…
Man, this chapter. I definitely see myself in it! I think “submission”–both to God and to my spouse–has been a hard concept to grasp for me. Coming from generations that believed women are “their own person” and showing respect to the gentlemen in our lives garnered nothing but an eye roll, we are PIONEERS, ladies. We are setting the standard to which our daughters will rise! I LOVE how Lara said “I tried to control him. I wanted good things for him, mainly because I wanted good things for me” (p28). Ouch. Me too. May we release our desire for control. “If we begin with God, strength can rise”. Great chapter!
Emily, you are a beautiful wife and mother, and I am honored to know you. Your testimony, while hard right now, will carry on. Think about how much your little ones are going to love and respect you just as you did your mama! Sending love and prayers your way!
Um, so I thought I had erased this and not posted it, because I was so tired that I couldn’t get my words out right or even finish them. Anyway, good to know I’m not alone!
Praying for your marriage too!
PS praying for your marriage today.
Hi Erin, great verses!
Lauren, thanks so much for sharing with us. I am glad to hear others struggle with their jobs too!
Agreed, Lara! Thank you sooo much Emily for sharing your story. Very encouraging to hear.
I hadn’t considered until today that I’m very controlling as a teacher. That really sucks to admit, because I like to think that I’m sometimes innovative and often empathetic. Those things may be true, but accompanying those things (or maybe worse — underlying them) is a desire to control my students and their hearts.
I teach at an alternative high school, which means that my students have been kicked out of other schools. You can imagine a bit how hard it is to keep
Elaine, I love that you said “stand and wait.” It makes me think of a mom pacing by the windows, waiting for her daughter to come home late at night. It’s that active, purposeful, expectant waiting as opposed to a hopeless, distracted waiting. Praying for you tonight as you make the moment-by-moment choices on how you will wait.
Elanie, I can understand your situation. I too have been learning that God is in Control and not me. I can not control my husband or his choices. I can control my what I choose to believe and I can also control my desire to give it all to God. It is hard, But God is greater than my struggles and is faithful to keep His promises.
The areas where I struggle the most with control is in my marriage. My marriage has been difficult from the very beginning. My husband does not always make the wisest decisions for us. I have tried to control many aspects, especially money and our relationship in order to make sure we are okay. I am always looking for the next thing try or do to make it work. God has been teaching me that this is not the answer, but He is the answer. I need to focus and trust that He is sovereign and in control of my life. It works out way better that way. 🙂 my favorite verses and reminders Jeremiah 29:11 and Phil 4:4-9.
Maybe we need to have a dance party!!! How about Zumba? Does anyone like Zumba? I go to a class every friday after work!
I agree, I wasn’t convinced I was a controlling person whatsoever at the beginning of this chapter and discussion!
Hi Sara…. I like the Psalms too. Thanks for pointing this one out!!!
I think it’s interesting that Lara mentioned in the video that it’s so counter flesh and counter cultural to loose control! Spot on though….
Oh they are, they are! I like that illustration!
Hi Mary: I too cling to that verse!
Stacey & Crystal: I like the “Kneel low and let Christ be raised high” too!
Maybe it is the thorn in my side–struggling not to take things personally?
It felt good admitting my feelings get hurt!
Definitely in my prayers too!
Oh my word. I couldn’t imagine how humbling motherhood would be.
Yeah yeah yeah…. totally get you ladies on the whole time out thing….. love it!
“I thought I was in control of my career and nearly lost it.” This sums up my control issues! I realized that I put on my mask of “I’m fine” and a smile to control my exterior so that I don’t have to face what’s really going on inside until it’s way too late…… can anyone say happy pills and a therapist?
My prayer to the Lord is that he would sustain me and provide me with peace & joy that overflows. I think reading through any of the Psalms is great, especially those written by David.
Melanie,
Oh wow! I know this so well. What’s worse is the anxiety that comes when, inevitably, things did not go as I planned or when I planned. Many years before I even had a blog, I called my life “a life surrendered.” And a life surrendered, is really a life of continual surrender to all that God has even when I cannot see, understand or am able to predict it’s outcome. He knows the end from the beginning and that is my solace. And every promise that is contained in His word, though I need reminding of them daily as the cares of the world try and choke them out — or I let them, for that matter. Thank you for sharing your heart so honest and humble here. You bless us.
My friend in college and I had a saying “if they only would have asked us!” We’d complain about things and then think of the “if only they had asked us” solutions. I find myself trying to control in being in routine. Routine brings comfort, security, the expected. When things don’t go as expected or people don’t act the way I think they should, I mean doesn’t everyone act that way, then I get frustrated. I love what Crystal had to say..” I’ll pray every morning that I’ll be able to get out of the way, and trust Him again and again.” I have found myself being frustrated with God because things didn’t go as I expected or wanted to, that answers to prayers aren’t coming as quickly as I would like. Who am I to tell God what is best?!! He is still working on me, and though the process is slow and painful, I am glad He is still working on me. So I, with Crystal, pray that I will get out of the way and trust him again and again with my life, my future, my hopes and dreams.
Going through a similar situation as Lara right now, and as I stand and wait for my husband to spiritually and emotionally return to our marriage I see God growing me and changing me in this very issue. My friends have always joked about my “control issues” but it hasn’t been till the affair and my husband saying he doesn’t love me anymore to realize I have absolutely no control in this. I can’t make him stay or love me. but as Lara says I do have control in what I choose to believe ( God) and I can control my desire to surrender my husband and marriage to God and pray and BELIEVE in his perfect will for me.
Going through a similar situation as Lara right now, and as I stand and wait for my husband to spiritually and emotionally return to our marriage I see God growing me and changing me in this very issue. My friends have always joked about my “control issues” but it hasn’t been till the affair and my husband saying he doesn’t love me anymore to realize I have absolutely no control in this. I can’t make him stay or love me. but as Lara says I do have control in what I choose to believe ( God) and I can control my desire to surrender my husband and marriage to God and pray and BELIEVE in his perfect will for me.
Rhythm Nation representin’. And I don’t know how many things I’ve lost because my kids have stuffed them in some drawer or backpack. Ha. And yes, freedom. Freedom! When we hand things over to The Lord. Much love to you, Sarah.
“Eyes wide open.” How I pray that in my own life. I don’t want to be blind to things in my flesh that ultimately steal life and joy from me. Thanks for sharing. We’re all in process. Always.
Wow. Thanks, Michelle. “Realizing I don’t need to be in control has lifted the weight off my shoulders.” Such great truth. He’s so patient with our process, isn’t He.
Such a great testimony, Emily. I’m so sorry about your mom. Grief is a real and painful process we have to walk through. It’s encouraging to hear, though, how God is using it to transform you. Not that you would ask for that trial, but hearing how He’s using it to shape you really inspires. Thanks again for sharing.
2012 messed me up in the control department. I lost my mom in a car accident in July and then my job two days after Christmas. Both were two fields that very much defined me. I worked 40 hours a week, saw my kids for 2 hours a day. I talked to my mom 10 times a day, no exaggeration. As of January, I lost all grips to control anything. When it’s taken away from you because you choose not to let it go…..my heart and head still flood with anxiety. Learning to be a different person….I will be better than I began. I used to be a good daughter, best friend, and the best pharmacy technician 12 years could produce…..that defined me. Now after 9 years and 2 kids, I feel like I’m learning the ministry of marriage and motherhood for the first time. They finally have priority in my heart.
After reading this chapter, I am convicted of the pattern of control I had, and warned how to stop it before it starts. For example, my husband and I are in a battle of the wills with our dishes (sorry super moms, I’m not a clean freak and I despise chores of all kinds, dishes are my weakness….I loathe them.) And now I find myself wanting to bite the bullet and get it done before he gets home.
We sing “Sovereign” (Chris Tomlin) quite a bit here. Most of the time, my days are just messy and unpredictable.
Ok, but you will have to go first….
Yes, I’m sure I could pull a move or two out of the archives for a dance party.
JaQuinn I am right there with you friend. It is a scary, dark place walking when you don’t know what you are walking into. But that is where our faith comes into play 🙂
That might be the most precious thing I’ve read! (and isn’t it true? I lose more things now because my girl carries them “somewhere”…never to be seen again). And I’m sensing a dance party that needs to happen soon….
“God is a safe place to be” … oh my word I just love the fresh perspective of the Message.
Oh JaQuinn, I needed this reminder today! We use time out with our toddler all the time, to reflect on what she’s done and sometimes as a “let’s just settle down” exercise. Yes…God calls us to time out, to sit & be still and reflect and remember that He has laid the path before us.
Hurt feelings. That’s a hard one. I used to feel the same until I started to notice my friends were the same and the extreme damage we were causing each other. Now I try to force myself to remember that, whenever I’m tempted to take that personally. But, you know, even though I know that and have seen the worst as a result, I *still* struggle with it. SMH. It’s a tough one.
So true. I think this is definitely my issue, especially with my oldest son. Darn it, I know what he ought to do to have a good life, if he’d just listen to me and do what I tell him. 😀 It’s hard to let go, and let God, especially when His plan doesn’t mirror our vision.
Gracious and faithful. So gracious and faithful.
Next time I see you, Stacey, let’s dance.
Ugh, it’s painful when He reveals the places in us that need His touch. But He reveals in love, because He has and wants beautiful freedom for us. Much love to you!
Girl, I totally get that struggle. “Time out for you.” I just said something similar to my son yesterday. “Buddy this isn’t your world.” Words I have to preach to myself.
I don’t really like watching videos (I’d rather read :D) but I’m sure glad I watched this one. If there’s one thing I loathe it’s manipulation. And to have her use that word along side “control” really brought it home for me. Thought I got it before but now it is seared in there.
1) I have seen it play out miserably. 🙂
2) Came across Ps 62 in my reading this week. Vs 7-8 were just amazing. “My help and glory are in God —granite-strength and safe-harbor-God— So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be.” (Psalm 62:7, 8 MSG) Understanding in this chapter that our desire to wrest control from God’s hands reveals our lack of faith, we must come to realize that God is trustworthy. In fact, He truly alone is trustworthy.
It’s a little crazy how difficult it is to let go of the control when we know that He can handle it all! And that it will be best left with Him. I have to battle the desire to control, then the anxiety when I let it go. Then the peace and freedom that is found when I simply (although not always easily) trust. And this lesson continues to be taught to me over and over again. It’s like it won’t just stick! Thankful that He is gracious and faithful.
I have to fight the perfectionist inside of myself every day. At work and home I’m the worst because I’m the most comfortable and have the most “clear” vision of how I think that things should be. I see it playing out as I get frustrated with how and when others do things that I “could have done better or faster myself.” Ugh. I know that I’m not in control. I know that I am third. But I have to be reminded continually! God has to get in my face and put me – His daughter whom He loves and chose – in time out. In time out, I sit at His feet remembering and being reminded that this is not my world.
Confession…my three year old was in awe of the book cover and carried To Walk or Stay around all weekend. Um…now I can’t find it. I didn’t finish chapter two, but I can still answer the question…. 😉
My desire to control makes me snap at my family, get angry with co-workers, annoyed with others. There is so much FREEDOM in handing it over to the Lord. The situation, my anger, my annoyances. He’s such a good God to allow me to cast my cares onto Him.
Thanks for hosting us, Crystal! And thanks for the video, Lara. Loved it. I was part of the Rhythm Nation, you know. 😉
Oh friend, there is nothing quite like raising toddlers, especially for a type-A, learning to let go of control girl like me. I have told people that being a mother is the first thing I’ve ever done that I didn’t already know I would do well..and it has been a humbling experience. Praise God for grace, new every morning, and for sweet sisters to travel the road beside me 🙂
Markeitha you will be in my prayers, so thankful for the journey God is taking you on, and so blessed that you shared this bit of your story with us. It’s not easy to share those parts, the bits of ourselves we’d rather not let the world see. Thanks for being brave with us today 🙂
“though the feeling of control is safe…it is not always good” … oh I love that. It takes my mind immediately to Jesus walking on the water. The safe thing was to stay in the boat. The good thing, the life changing thing, was to lock eyes with Jesus and walk on the water with Him. hugs to you today my friend. always a blessing to read your words.
Oh Mary, I just love seeing your beautiful face here (are you joining us for (in)RL Saturday?)…and yes, casting our cares on Him. I love the trust in that verse, the belief that no matter what, no matter what the care, He’s standing there ready to catch what we cast 🙂
Before this chapter when I thought of a controlling spouse, I didn’t see myself. When I thought about what I was trying to control I really couldn’t find a label to stick that title too. But when I read chapter 2 and read how Lara felt when circumstances were out of her control I saw me! I felt such conviction! I too try to have everything in a box, especially my husband! I remember we were having problems and he shared that with a friend of his who had a wife that I didn’t get along with! I was furious! I remember him not understanding what exactly he did wrong, and me telling him he broke the golden rule. I was so worried about how this girl would view my family, because I wasn’t in control! Thankful for God exposing me this week so I can correct my errors….❤
Feelings get hurt if people disagree! Wow that’s so true in my life as well! That comment just liberated me a bit, this is something my husband has been trying to convey to me for years! I never could receive it from him!! Amazing how God works.
I have tried to control relationships in my life, mostly marriage and my raising my son. Feelings get hurt if people disagree with me and when I think my ways are the best, I am afraid of looking like a fool or messing up. [Self-esteem issues anyone? :)] I am trying to improve, ahhh, but grace. Grace not just from God, but my husband and 2y/o. Thank you Crystal for hosting and sharing a little bit of your heart. Be blessed ladies:)
His shoulders and hands are big enough to carry the load—so true!! So I just need to let Him have it all, huh? Be blessed:)
Years ago, I thought I was a perfectionist. Then, I realized it wasn’t perfect I wanted — but control over things to go my way. God has a way of showing up at just the right time to show you that when He has control, He is free to work and move in ways we can’t manipulate.
He showed me years ago, that though the feeling of control is safe…it is not always good.
Lara – your testimony is beautiful today. God allows wild and crazy to invade our lives only in that through it we have a choice to release it all to Him. He uses it all in our lives – it is about Him.
Crystal – love this “Kneel low, and let Christ be raised high.”
love to you sweet friends.
2 of my faves right here.
(and the 80’s — oh girl, how I wish you had enlightened us with those moves….)
Crystal, this speaks volumes to me. In opening my hands not only do I release control, but I open myself to receive the blessings and gifts He has for me. Control has always been an issue for me and I can so relate to what you and Lara are saying. She is right…we cannot control our children. Or anyone else for that matter.
As for verses…I cling to 1 Peter 5:7. When things are overwhelming and my desire to control begins to dictate my actions, I remember I just need to cast my cares upon him. His shoulders and hands are big enough to carry the load.
Thank you for this post.
Isn’t it funny how losing control brings freedom? It’s so counter-cultural but so much like our gracious Father to plan it that way, that we can walk freely when we just give it all over to His capable hands. And that Psalm? Oh it’s beautiful 🙂
I LOVE your words and thoughts, Crystal. Especially when you said, ‘Open my hands, kneel low, and let Christ be raised high.” Open our hands. That’s it! The release by faith.
Well, I guess we all know that I’ve allowed that desire to control invade my marriage 😉 but God has so graciously opened my eyes to that. And when He started with that revelation, it brought such freedom. But I’ve also struggled with it as a mom — wanting to control my kids. God has also shown me that it isn’t my job to control them. I’m to train them. I’m to love them. I’m to guide them and discipline them, but not in efforts to control them. I’m to show them their need for Jesus. He alone can do the heart work. That too is freeing.
What verses encourage me? Definitely that Matthew 10 text. But recently I’ve been going back to Psalm 107. When I allow myself to remember Who God is — His character and promises — I’m again encouraged to “open my hands.” He’s so faithful.
Thanks again for hosting us, Crystal!