I don’t know why I should keep writing. It doesn’t really seem like it matters. No one is knocking down my door to offer me a book deal, or a fancy opportunity, or even share my posts to some kind of “viral” status. I’ve gone a little silent on social media lately too, purely out of lack of time and a wonderful new job, but I’m pretty sure I’m not missed. The community that I worked so hard to be part of, to build, to cultivate? It seems to be going along just fine without me. Thriving, actually.
I’d like to tell you that those are someone else’s thoughts, that I’m much more centered, grounded, and happy to write because I love it and not for anything worldly. God has revealed otherwise this weekend. I find myself in a very hard place, an in between place. I feel like I’m at the point in blogging and writing where I need to make big decisions, and I’m not sure why or where to go.
If I want to succeed as any kind of recognized writer, I have a bunch of “big blogger” rules I need to follow. Simple ones, like switch to WordPress. Complicated ones, like finding a “niche” for my blog, brainstorming book ideas (plural. more than 4. less than 6. apparently). If I choose a “niche” will I lose my passion?
If I choose to do what I’ve always done, then will I always stay here? And what do I think about “here?” Does staying “here” force me to stay small…and does small equal invisible?
So instead of doing anything, I’m stuck. I’m afraid to move forward, afraid to write anything, completely paralyzed by the decisions, opportunities, options and considering just throwing in the towel. Walking away because the choices are daunting, the time to do the work impossible to find, and forever facing “her”…you know, the one who writes it better, bigger, first, fancier. You know what? I think that’s right where the enemy wants me.
Sneaky.
In a humble, nearly flat on my face before God moment I reached out to two women who I trust. Women I know speak truth over my life – even when it’s not the easy word to hear. My head knew what they would say before they said it, but my heart needed to hear affirmation and encouragement from someone else. Anyone else. But out of the very few things I’ve learned over the years, I know that bringing these fears into the light diminishes their scary-power by about a million. So they told me what they believed.
“…the words He gives are a gift to be given away…” – Kris Camealy
“…the praises of God are worthless next to the love of God….” – Kris Camealy
“Often it is being faithful to tuck our words into the small places that matter most… – Lysa Terkeurst” – Stacey Thacker
“…Your ministry is valuable beyond words…write!” – Stacey Thacker
Do I believe it yet? I’m not sure. But I’m writing. And maybe you need to hear their wisdom today, too. Since I’m nothing if not transparent, I’m going first – sharing my anxieties & fears here so that through the sweet truth from my friends, you might also be encouraged to keep going.
Just keep doing the thing, friend.
😉
Nope. I’m good at hiding =/
Did I know you were feeling that way at Declare? Ahem. I feel like I failed my friend duties by not realizing 🙁
You are so sweet Amy – thank you! And I can’t begin to tell you how my heart literally breaks to not be on the calls .. it’s been a hard transition. I appreciate you so much!
Aw thanks girl 🙂 I’ve missed everyone, too!
Oh girl – if there is one thing you should NOT do it’s quit. Your words are profound, lovely, real, and beautiful. Keep putting pen to paper, fingers to keyboard. God moves mountains in the hearts of your readers when you write.
Can I steal the “I always fall down when I start looking around” line for the next song I write? Beautiful, convicting truth. I would not have written this post if it hadn’t been for your friendship, wisdom, and courage to speak truth in love over my life. i am beyond thankful & grateful for you.
Your name popped into my email twice today, my friend. Once with this beautifully encouraging comment, and once in an email from another friend telling me what a blessing you’ve been. You change lives with your generosity 🙂
Ahem…. do I need to drive up there? Seriously, ’cause I will! I wouldn’t be leaving this here if it weren’t for your words, your encouragement, YOU! But you know what? If you never write another post, lose 3 more jobs, shut down your twitter account – you will be worthy of love and respect. You bless me and so many others. Hugs and prayers! BTW- totally missed you on the call today. 😉 #ninja
I missed you! I thought several times, where’s Crystal? But I knew you were busy with Declare and I figured you were taking some room and time to breathe. I hope you know you are valued, and it’s a hard lesson I’m coming to learn as well, but sometimes what we see as value, is not the plan God has for us. Instead, and I think you know this, His plan is way bigger and way better. I love the quote about how it is faithful to tuck our words into small spaces…I know I have a small space, but the joy it gives me when someone says they enjoy it can’t possibly get any bigger.
I have officially wanted to quit my blog at least once a month. Sometimes more. And ALL the stuff. I’ve felt it too. Does all of this really matter in the grand scheme of things? How do I write when my words feel like they’re falling silent or don’t measure up or any of the other things I have come to recognize as doubt and fear and flesh and something to take to the Lord? Because that’s it right there. Take it to the Lord and it all becomes so majestically simple. Obedience.Faithfulness. I love what Kris and your encouragers have said to you. God speaks through those close enough to know that our presence in this crazy writing world do make a difference, if in no one else but us. God is at work. I for one, love to see in unfold in you, Crystal.
So I’m just now making it over here to comment. I was gone all day yesterday scouting out the lodge for Refine… So many of your friends have gathered here to encourage you, and I’m not sure there is more i can add except to encourage you to put your blinders on and focus on the tasks He has called you to. I am convinced that the enemy uses distraction to defeat us. When we are focused on the Lord and what He has specifically called us to, we don’t have time to worry about where we fall in the picture. We just keep going, not looking around or even ourselves–just keeping our eyes on Jesus.
I always fall down when I start looking around. Every bloody time. 🙂 keep going, you are where you should be. Don’t let the enemy steal that from you.
Fighting for you in prayer ((hugs))
You love you. All I can say is I’ve been there – and in many ways I’m there still. The fact that you’re still writing, pushing through in spite of your questions, it tells me you are meant to keep writing.
Not too long ago, I read this quote from Madeleine L’Engle: “It’s easy to say you’re a writer when things are going well. When the decision is made in the abyss, then it is quite clear that it is not one’s own decision at all.” It reminds me to keep on keepin’ on because Someone beyond myself has decided I should. And I think He’s decided the same for you, too.
Love you sister!
That’s the one that Jared texted me during Declare, when I felt so very small. It’s good stuff.
“a cyclone of envy & bitterness” – it does spiral out of control if you allow it, right? So thankful to know I can be myself here in my little corner 🙂
We have the same go-to phrase 😉
I’m so sorry you’re going through disappointment – praying your heart is encouraged and God would kindly open doors to show you a glimpse of the “why”
Goodness, doesn’t “Jesus Calling” have JUST the right word for just the right day, every single day? Love you, girl. Real life hugs, coming soon.
And I’m so grateful to have had the chance to spend time with you in real life and see your heart for community & encouraging others.
I feel like you just send me an adorable greeting card in the mail with this comment 🙂 So sweet.
So glad you found your way here to day and that you were encouraged. That makes my heart full.
And I am very thankful for you Julie 🙂
Oh. That is a GOOD quote, girl! Thank you seems so small compared to this blessing.
Thank you for these sweet words Mia 🙂
I have notes from Lara William’s session at Declare that say nothing but “fan the flame” – thank you for sharing that again with me today! And the Scentsy analogy is awesome!
That sounds like a fabulous idea to me 🙂
We’ll do it together. Just keep writing. We’ll just keep going.
You sure can, friend, though you have wonderful words of your own to share and I do love reading them 🙂
This whole thread just made me smile big 🙂
God knew, months ago, that I would be in this place last night needing a friend, and He brought you into my life. How wonderfully amazing is that?
So glad you were encouraged, Bev! That’s always the heart behind what i do here, so thank you for sharing 🙂
It occurred to me as I read this that no matter how small you are there’s always someone smaller, and no matter how big you are there’s always someone bigger. I respect you for being so honest here, and I know there are plenty of times that I’ve wondered if what I do even matters. But you – you’re someone I look up to as a blogger! It surprises me to see that you feel the same way I do, when in my eyes you’re the kind of blogger I’d like to be. Isn’t that funny? We always seem to want what we don’t have. Comparison is the thief of joy, and the enemy would like nothing better than to see us all compare ourselves into a cyclone of envy and bitterness. I think we ALL have a story to tell, and we all have a place here, no matter how big and no matter how small. Don’t you dare throw in the towel, because you are an inspiration to lots of people! 🙂
Hahah! Sorry Sarah! Great minds think alike 😉
If you’re small, I’m infinitesimal. So just keep doing what God wants you to do, and so will I – my go-to phrase is “Just keep swimmin’…”
Crystal, this is so good and so relatable! I am TOTALLY not trying to promote myself here, but I wrote about this kind of feeling a few months back and want to share that with you. It might be of some encouragement . . . maybe. If I may say this, just remember that writing will teach you more about Him as you keep persevering. I’m currently still editing my post to link up to Declare, if I’m not too late. That has been really hard for me to write! Here’s my post, I hope it helps! http://www.caughtbythetale.com/2013/02/24/skimming-the-deep/
Just STAY YOU!! If you are true to You and God then being big or small doesn’t matter. This is a lesson I have been trying to teach myself this past week through disappointment. We all love Crystal, plain and simple.
I planned to write a comment, Crystal, but Christie stole all the thoughts out of my head and posted them first.
You have such a beautiful heart… and I love how you’ve just laid it out here to let us – your sisters in Christfinger some of the hard pain that your feeling. It is an honour to be sure to be trusted with such vulnerability. You, friend, have spoken volumes into my life, truly and when I think back to our very first interaction I am blown away by how God has used you and your words to continuously move me closer to Him. And the waiting is hard… it sucks sometimes acually to wonder what/where/how/when and if I should bother. I want to share my verse for the day with you… no joke it came right out of my Jesus Calling book and I wrote it down on a note card to carry with me today as a reminder… perhaps you too could use it, no? “Be still in the presence of The Lord and wait patiently for Him to act.” Psalm 37:7 -NLT.
I love you friend, and I am praying for you today – like I do every day.
Oh friend, I just love your heart spilled out here on the page. And that same question runs through my mind “does small equal invisible?”
You are not invisible but so so deeply valued. And not just by The Lord or some other overly spiritual (although true) way, but by me and so many other women. You and your words have changed people here in this little space of the internet.
I’m so grateful you still write!
Crystal –
Two very simple words in response to this post –
“THANK YOU!!!!”
And actually, they are pretty big 🙂
Blessings,
Joanne
Such a blessing to have stumbled upon this post today!! I can completely identify with your words. Thank you for the encouragement!!
Your words continually point the way to Jesus and His Grace. These words-the doubts, the fears, the insecurities, these make you real, authentic and reachable. I am thankful for you Crystal. We all need more real, authentic, Jesus in our lives.
Marianne Williamson says this:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a
child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just
in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
As long as I’ve known you, you’ve had the ability to show others their own light and their own strengths. You see the amazing things in each person you come across, and you help them to see those amazing things in themselves – that is no small undertaking, friend! You matter. Your voice matters.
Dear Crystal
Nobody can live your life and dreams, dear friend and what you do and write are uniques. I understand how you feel about your blogging, but remember first of all you need to be true to yourself and then to others. I hope you find the right answer to your questions!
Blessings XX
Mia
Bless your precious heart for your vulnerability (it blesses me today). I can’t tell you how much I understand this. I wrestle all the time. Usually I end up conceding to the fact that I’ve made it all about me and I get frustrated with myself and just do…well, nothing. In the past few weeks I’ve come to realize that I often talk myself straight out of obedience to what He’s placed in my heart. There are certain things I have a blazing passion for that I know God has put there for a reason. But, as soon as my logic kicks in or I start looking around at what I can “see”, the flame starts to flicker. So hard!! I wish I could say I’m more steadfast than that. But often, I’m just not. I think that’s why Paul writes to Timothy to “fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control.” Paul knew that sometimes, we need real live people to come alongside us and remind us why we’re here, what we’re doing, and encourage us to use what we’ve been given.
Your words DO matter. Your heart ramblings and the things you do in the secret, “small” places are bigger than you think. You are ALWAYS encouraging to so many, every time I see your name pop up. Your presence in the online world (sorry for the weird analogy) reminds me of a Scentsy. A sweet aroma that just makes the place sweeter, makes you wanna kick up your feet, your words bring life and comfort to the weary and discouraged. Don’t stop! 🙂
Crystal, I think you and I should grab a cup of coffee and basically share words that sound a lot like “me too, me too, me too.” Thanks for your transparency. And keep doing the thing you do. It’s a blessing.
I’ve gone through this a lot recently too. I’m so new to the blogging scene and feel like a fish out of water most days. But other days I feel like this writing this is such a gift from God and he has big plans for it? Caught between dreams, hopes – wondering if they are from God or just vain foolish ambition. Thanks for this.
Oh, Crystal… can I steal that first paragraph for my next blog post??!?! 🙂 I’ve posted once in the last two weeks and it was to share a you-tube video! Not much writing going on around here. I feel soo out of touch and want to reconnect with everyone before Allume! But my classwork start today and unless I’m really disciplined there won’t be time for reading, writing, blogging AND social media!!
Crystal, to be honest, it seems that God is using you in this incredible way–both in the online and “real” world. I see your name constantly on other people’s online spaces and on social media, and you are speaking next year! I am looking at this from an outside angle, of course, but there is something God sees in you very useable. I would love to be in your spot.
Oh, and PS? Forget “big blogger” rules. I have no intentions of ever switching to WordPress. I play by His rules, not manmade online ones. And His rules say we share His message. So let’s do it!
So very stinking proud of you!
Pray. Write through it. Know that when God calls us to a ministry — sometimes it is lonely. He is working through you girl. I see it every day.
The thing is, you don’t need to “Worry” about all that stuff. Just take the next step, that is all God is asking. And, the neatest thing is, He has gone before you. He is already there waiting.
love you!
-stacey
Crystal,
I think a lot of us share your feelings and fears…anyone who puts themselves out there in their writing leaves themselves open for the attacks of the enemy who would like nothing better than to see you/us throw in the towel. I was really convicted by the advice given to you that said, “The praises of God are worthless next to the love of God…” My writing needs to be an outpouring of my love of God first, not the other way around. Thanks for the encouragement to keep persevering!
Blessings,
Bev