I had no intention of ever publishing this post. It has taken me, as you’ll see, 2 years to have the courage. This is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day was 10/15. I want to remember. To share. To let you know that I remember for you. I am 1 in 4.
This is going to be an on-going draft post until Thanksgiving, when I’ll feel safe to publish it for the world.
Sunday, September 19th:
Matt and I felt that God had called us at the beginning of the year to start trying to have children in September of this year. God’s timing is perfect, and I found out this morning that I’m pregnant! Ok..those were strange words to type. It doesn’t seem real. I honestly thought we’d have to try a lot longer before we got to this point. Matt was adorable when I told him – “that’s cool” – haha. When it sank in, he prayed over me and has been cautiously encouraging. I think we’re both excited and scared. I guess I’ll call tomorrow and make a doctor’s appointment & see what happens next. Praying for health, safety, and peace.
Tuesday, September 21st:
Had my confirmation appointment this morning at 7:30. Out of curiosity, why do I have to schedule my yearly 3 months in advance, and yet they can get me in ASAP for this? Anyway, their test confirmed what my two HPTs told me – I’m pregnant! The nurse was cute and didn’t seem to know if I would be excited about the news or not. Then, when she found out that we just started “trying” in August, she said “wow! you guys work fast!”..lol…So, by their very strange calculations & by the grace of God I’ll be having this munchkin on or around May 21st. They loaded me up with horse-pill sized prenatal vitamins, a list of meds not to take, and scheduled my next appt for Oct. 11th. Matt gets to go to that one (heart beat, etc.) – should be interesting 🙂 *Found out today that a good friend at work is pregnant – about 5 weeks ahead of me – took all I had not to say anything! Praying for health, energy, and joy for this little poppyseed.
October 1, 2010
Do you adore these from The Vintage Pearl or what?
Some random comments about this whole pregnancy thing:
1) My prenatal vitamins are the size of horsepills, but smell like chocolate. It works.
2) I have the most amazing husband in the world. Today was emotions times 1,000 and he actually told me that he is honored to go through 3 months of PMS with me because it means we’re having a baby. Of course I cried. I cried about everything today! But he is just so supportive and loving – I’m going to be beyond spoiled for the next few months, and I think I’m ok with that.
3) I am dying to tell people – it’s so hard to keep this secret (sorry everyone!) but I know it’s for the best right now.
4) I’m feeling pretty good, health-wise, which is a blessing. I just can’t wait to get through some of the next scary weeks to know everything is ok.
5) There is so much I don’t know about being a mom! What the heck. Tonight’s conversation was “how to raise kids who don’t melt down in Target”….oy….guess we’ll add it to the list of things to pray about!
October 6, 2010
Holy hormones. My poor husband has no idea what just hit our home – it’s like a tornado of insanity & I feel helpless to stop it. Totally freaked out in the middle of a conversation we were having about purchasing new bedroom furniture b/c he suggested we just put a mattress on the floor (to clarify, in a normal state of mind I probably would have understood his point, but this week? oh heck no!). It gets better, right?
October 11, 2010
Today was my appointment first “official” appointment – it went well – got to see the little heartbeat and the peanut measured at 7 wks 5 days (they originally guessed I was 8 wks on Sunday, so pretty close! New due date is May 22, 2011 ). The Dr. was pleased w/ how everything looked & after all the medical history questions determined that I have a low risk pregnancy. Matt was adorable & supportive & a little awkward – fortunately for him I took my iPod so he could play angry birds during the exam portion & then told him when to look at the screen to see the baby.
After the exam & ultrasound, they sent me down for an insane amount of bloodwork. a) it’s gross that they gave me a bag w/ my sample & other stuff in it to take to the lab. Do they not have a delivery system that doesn’t include me carrying pee? b) They took like 9 vials of blood and for the first time in my life I nearly lost it. Dots in front of my eyes, sweating, couldn’t move my arms..it was awful. Not to mention one sip of OJ refused to stay down & they had to cart me away on a reclining chair until I could function again. The poor nurse kept telling me that I would never have to give that much again during my pregnancy to make me feel better.
My next appointment is Nov. 11th (another work holiday – God’s timing is AWESOME!) – hopefully I won’t run into anyone I know. Like I did today…the mom of a girl I was friends with in high school. Awkward.
October 22, 2010
Found out last week that another coworker of mine is pregnant – and due almost the exact same day as me! I’ve been feeling pretty good this week, and I’m so thankful to be most of the way through week 9. Something about getting to week 10 (and then 11, and 12, etc.) just gives me more confidence. Other than the usual prayers for health and safety and a cute baby that loves sleep (hehe) I’ve been struggling with this whole weight gain thing. I know that in order to have a healthy baby, I need to gain weight – but let’s talk about how annoyed I am to think about the process to lose it all later. I’ve trained my brain over the last few years to focus on NOT gaining weight, and now I have to! It’s very difficult, and something I know that I’ll need God’s grace to get me through.
October 28, 2010
Yesterday was horrible, and yet God is so faithful. At work in the morning I was hit with more fear than I’ve ever known in my life when I noticed some spotting. I wanted to throw up. I tried to make it through the day, but by 10am I couldn’t take it anymore & called the doctor. They told me to come in for a scan at 1pm, and fortunately for me (ha) I was able to blame my head cold on my reason to head home early. Matt was such a rock, encouraging me and praying for us as I went to the appointment (he had to stay at work).
After getting the “eye” for losing weight since my last appointment (gonna work on that), the doctor performed an ultrasound to see what was going on. Unlike the first time, I didn’t get to see the screen until she was ready to show me – and Thank God – I got to see the strong heartbeat and watched as the little peanut moved around. They said everything was fine – I don’t think I’ve ever been more relieved.
I’m still emotionally drained from it all, and more than slightly on edge, waiting to see how the next 2 weeks go until we can see our little one again. I love this baby so much already, I can’t wait to meet the child God has blessed us with.
thanks for sharing this…i know probably so difficult, but i know many women will be comforted
love you
I’m not sure what to say, but I wanted you to know I’m here.
Oh Pam, I’m so sorry to hear that. Praying for you and thankful for your reminder that God does indeed have a plan, and He promises a good one.
Crystal, Thank you for sharing your heart. I have a feeling we are kindred spirits…This struck a chord with me…I am 1 in 4 also. At 5.5 weeks this last January. It’s terribly hard no matter what stage you are in…But, God….God is faithful and has a plan.. We just need to trust and keep our eyes on Him…”see” you back at (in)motherhhood 🙂 ~Pam
This was like reading my daughter’s diary. In 2008 she announced she was pregnant with her third baby- I knew before she told me-I knew with all of them. She was right at 12 weeks when she miscarried. This happened a week after we had buried my mother in law, which was two weeks after we had buried my mother. I developed shingles in the middle of all of this and had professional responsibilities that prevented me from being with her when it happened. On the way to her home- she lives a couple of states away, I found a necklace which had one pearl – I bought it and gave it to her as a reminder of her Pearl of Great Price- then we cried together. But, life does go on and God’s plan and purpose in all of this will be revealed in His time. She now has another cutie for me to love on. I tell people I am grandmother to 7- but in my heart I know I am grandmother to 8.
{hugs} to you Becky, I’m so sorry you can relate but so thankful for your sweet comment.
Oh Ellie, she is beautiful. My heart breaks that you don’t have that sweet girl to snuggle with, but we know we have eternity with them to look forward to. Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
Now you have ME in tears, Sarah! Thank you. {big hugs}
I’m crying too, Crystal. This is so reminiscent of my first pregnancy. I know this grief and also the overwhelming trust in God that seems inexplicable. Thankful that you are sharing this!
First off ((HUGS)) for sharing your story. I am also 1 in 4 (as maybe you might have known) So I walk w/you in grief but also walk w/you in Faith. Your sweet little one is in Heaven looking down at you as I know my little girl does each day. Each day I am ever thankful that I was allowed to be her mom even if it was for 2 1/2 mths before the Lord called her to go back. I am ever thankful because she gave me something I didn’t even know I was missing. She gave me the key to knowing the true love of our Lord. Sure I believed in God but did I TRULY understand his love for us. Honestly I can say no. From the moment she passed and in the middle of the storm I TRULY felt his Love cover me it is something I will NEVER forget I felt him and heard him tell me its OK it will be OK. In my mind I thought I was going crazy how could everything be OK when my little girl was not here any longer but through my grief I talked and asked and he answered EACH of my questions. I am so thankful for my Husband as well who till this day is so strong and my rock. Never questioning what I was going to do but allowing me to be and share what I was learning and actually has come around too 🙂 The past 6 1/2 yrs. I have been shown how Great our Lord is. There is not a day that I am not thankful for I am sure that my grief of losing my Anjelique will be nothing compared to the joy on the day that be his Will I am in our Lord’s Glory & get to see my Pretty Girl again. I hold on to that promise daily and yes we are the 1 in 4 but we are chosen for a reason for a purpose we have the blessing of being mothers to sweet messengers & no matter how painful their lose we grew to know a love we didn’t know could be. I send you gentle hugs and prayers.
This is my little girl’s page if you would like to see her : anjelique-augustin.memory-of.com/
Crystal, you have me in tears! You write so beautifully and through your writing, you honor the memory of your little one who is with Jesus now. I agree with Matt – your blog certainly is a ministry!! I know it must have taken so much courage to write and post these, but thank you for doing it! Love you.