She spun herself in circles on the floor tonight. Tears, screaming, gnashing of teeth. Feet and fists pounding into the ground when we should have been snuggled in bed for storytime.
Because we were already late for bedtime and said “no” to a bedtime snack – a habit we’re trying to break. And in this season of endless meltdowns and drama and all the big emotions all the time, I’m really just not sure how to do this anymore.
Giving up isn’t an option. Giving in seems like letting the toddler run the show. And all I can do is sit on her floor and weep until she’s done, praying that we’ll soon be done with this particular season. I never expected a daughter who would simply say “no” when we tell her to go to her room. The disobedience and defiance from a three year old has me wondering if maybe I really don’t know what I’m doing.
To be honest, any small whisper in my mind of “you’re a good mom” is being drowned out by “you’re a horrible mom – good moms don’t have kids who pitch fits like this.”
I’ve developed a twitch in my lip.
{{note: please don’t leave me advice or diagnose us or label us or share your horror stories. Kindness & encouragement only on this one, if you don’t mind.}}
There comes a point though, after the drama has settled and her head has stopped spinning, when her eyes focus again on my face and the realization sets in that she’s not the only one who is upset. I shift my position, offer a hand quietly, and she comes to snuggle on my lap. Arms wrapped around my neck, she’s my little girl again. And she’s sorry. Always sorry.
Right now it’s those tiny moments that get me through. That give me hope that my sweet girl is still in there and that maybe, hopefully, one day soon we might close the door on this season.
It also makes me pray. When she won’t listen to my words, I share them with God. Deep, heart cries that sound more like an SOS than any beautifully written poetic prayer from a pulpit. I trust Him. I have to remind myself that I believe in a God who does not make mistakes – so it’s no mistake that I’m her mommy.
I believe in a God who loves me even though I pitch my own fits when He says “no.”
I wonder what He thinks when I beg and plead and pray for the same thing over and over, asking in new ways, thinking maybe this time He’ll say “yes.” When He knows what’s best for me is “no.” And when I inevitably pitch the fit for not getting my way, not having things work out like I wanted, not getting to win – He waits.
Then, when my eyes clear and all the big emotions fade, I see Him again. And I run to Him and beg forgiveness for my disobedience. God is not a good God because I’m good. God is a good God because that is His character. Maybe tonight I’m leaning just a little heavier on Him – so very grateful that in the midst of the chaos, He knows.
And He doesn’t make mistakes.
Oh girl … this road you are walking … I’ve walked it and it’s hard. So. Hard. And my words of encouragement to you are words that a dear friend told me when I called her in tears … “You are the absolute perfect person to be this child’s mother, because God made it so.” And I don’t share that as advice, because I know you know it … I share it because for whatever reason, when I heard those words spoken by another, they just resonated deep into my heart.
so much me too. The straight up ‘no’. the flailing and throwing of self to the ground. the weeping mom. all i can say is me, too. and i wish we were neighbors so they could pitch fits together and see how silly they look and we could bring each other coffee. love you – in this right with you.
Maybe we can just get a group discount on boarding school when they’re teenagers? Is that a thing? xoxo
works. for. me.
I hear you, Crystal. My 4 year old daughter has recently lost her sweetness and just seems so mean most of the time! Praying it’s a phase. I’m definitely being tested. Praying for you and yours.
Crystal,
You are speaking my truth. My son has learned (probably from me) to have a sharp tongue. We are both leaning Von God to help us through this period of changing how we speak to each other.
I will pray for you to make it through this time along with my own prayerfulness for me and my son. You are not alone.
Thanks for ever reminding me to lean upon God for strength.
Leah