Pretending to be something you’re not is exhausting.
On the outside I looked calm. I had a smile on my face and a laugh that came easily. The doctors and nurses praised me for the excellent job I was doing. I nodded as I kept talking to my little girl as she went under for surgery for her second set of tubes and to remove her adenoids.
On the inside I was a fiery mess of panic, fear, and anxiety. My heart had been racing for two days as I quietly hid my fear from Madi so that she wouldn’t be afraid. And when it was all over? When our amazing doctor came out ten minutes after we sat down in the waiting room to say it had gone great, she was done, how we made the right choice, I felt the shell begin to crumble.
It took longer for them to call us back to the recovery room than it did for the doctor to perform the surgeries, and more “what ifs” began winding anxious circles through my mind. The truth was, she was fine. She did amazingly well and recovered more quickly than we anticipated. She was back at school the next day and – other than a heartbreaking moment when she looked at me at bedtime with sad eyes and said “Where were you when I woke up, mama?” – in a phenomenally happy mood.
I, however, feel like I’m suffering an emotional hangover.
Fear paralyzes my mind. I can’t think of God’s truth in scripture, I can’t pray, I can’t do anything but wallow in worry. And I realize it’s because I haven’t taken the time in the calm seasons to prepare for the storms life brings. So today I’m processing and asking myself a few questions:
- What have I done to fill my heart with God’s word so that I can cling to it on the hard days?
- What have I done to foster community and give back to others so I can lean on them when I need prayer most?
- What do I need to gather today so I can face tomorrow with a truly calm spirit and not a facade?
Because I could only keep up the fake fine for so long before it crumbled around me. Living a life of dual extreme emotions is unhealthy and exhausting, and a temporary fix to a very real problem for me. Feeling fear on the inside and acting fine on the outside doesn’t help me learn to trust God’s promises for my life, and it doesn’t teach my daughter how to be free. Not fearless, but free of the chains of paralyzing fear.
A Question For You:
What do you do to prepare for life’s storms? What scripture do you turn to when fear threatens to take over?
Did you just preach a word? Cause I just heard one.
xo
There might have been a word in there 😉 Maybe….
In times like those, I rely on friends to pray. I feel at a loss. And I’m also grateful for the Holy Spirit, who does the hard work of prayer when we can only groan and grope for words.
That’s such a good reminder – I’m so grateful that the Holy Spirit can take the hurts of my heart and know just how to answer that wordless prayer.
I can really relate to your post today. My son is in his third year of treatment for leukemia. We’ve lost track of how many times he has gone under anesthesia, and to be honest it never really gets any easier. A lot of things in his treatment have become our norm, but not singing to him until he goes limp in my arms and then laying him down quickly so the doctors can get to work as I walk out of the room. THAT never has gotten easier. This topic of what we can do when we are in the grips of fear has been on my mind a lot lately. I was surprised to read your post. (But not too surprised, because isn’t that kid of how God works?) I’ve been thinking that there are a lot of things we can do when we are kind of afraid. Like that every-day afraid many of us live with. But what can we do when we are absolutely in the grips of fear. What can be our automatic go-to that reaches out for God when we struggle to make the conscious effort. For me, it is having a “catch-phrase.” Something short I can say out loud to reach out to Jesus. One of my favorites is “Lord, save me.” I use it whenever I feel like I’m drowning in anxiety. And sometimes just “Jesus.” When I’m in the grips, I can’t manage much more in the way of prayer. That’s why I think having someone you can text and ask to pray for you is so important. There have been plenty of times when I was simply unable to pray during my sons cancer treatment due to exhaustion, feeling overwhelmed, and everything else that goes along with it. But I could feel the prayers of our community carrying us through. It’s amazing. But you have to ask for the prayer, which can be hard. That’s why it’s good to talk to a friend before the really hard hits and set up a habit of texting each other for prayers. That way it’s already a habit. Just my thoughts. So, so very grateful for this post today, Crystal.
Oh Jenni – your sweet boy. My mama heart just aches. Thank you for sharing your story so I can pray for your family, and for your wonderful catch phrase advice.
Thank you for the prayers, Crystal. He is doing well right now, and treatment is scheduled to end in June of this year. We are looking forward to that like it’s the Promised Land!
Oh that’s great news, Jenni! Can’t wait to celebrate that with you!
Your beautiful words caused me to feel the fear that rises up through the gut and gets a tight choke hold on throat. Thank you for being brave and taking off the mask that we all wear so well. Three years ago I experienced a fear that was almost my undoing. The rug was yanked out from under everything I thought I knew for sure. I’ve been a student of the Word my entire life but I knew in that moment I had replaced His life-giving Word with something much less reliable. Thank you for reminding me that His Word is more necessary than my daily bread. Always, always love reading what you share!
{{hugs}} to you Stacy – thank you for sharing your story with me!
Love this post. This has been me the past few days just a different situation. I too have questioned myself what am I doing in the calm. One thing God has laid on my heart is to be still and know he is God. (Psalm 46:10) Glad she is doing well.
That’s my favorite verse, Tammy 🙂 Thank you for reminding me of it!
Loved your words today! Isn’t it incredible how “fine” we can be on the outside while being paralyzed with fear and worries on the inside. I, too, need to prepare myself and better equip myself with God’s Word during the sunny days so that I have His words and promises to lean on during the dark days!
I know it seems to be everyone’s “favorite verse” in the Bible, but ever since I was in high school, the verse that has always stayed with me is Jeremiah 29:11. Just that reminder that God KNOWS everything that is planned out for us (the good AND the bad) and that He won’t let any harm come to us… that’s knowledge that can be power!
It’s such a good one – and one I’m so grateful for!
Remembering scripture, recalling promises like “God is good, has good for me.” I love the truth of filling up my mind with truth during the calm to prepare for the storm.
Love that promise, Lisanne!