I have been striving ceaselessly.
I convinced myself that it wasn’t a bad thing. The hard work, dedication, commitment, and ambition – always looking for a new project to put my name on – it was what I thought was expected of me. It was what I had to do, wasn’t it? To make up for the lack.
- The lack of a job.
- The lack of a big readership.
- The lack of a huge social media presence.
- The lack of a clear vision for God’s direction.
When women would tell me “I see you everywhere online! You do it all!” I thought it was a compliment. I thought that it was a sign that I was doing all the right things, building all the right communities, sacrificing all the right moments with my family to be “known.”
I went to Allume knowing that God was on the move. I was expectant, thinking He might reveal some direction for my life. I expected Him to show up in the meetings, the schedule, the gathering of 450 beautiful hearts, the keynotes – and He did. But I expected God to show up in the comfort spots of my blogging life. I thought I would be given some clarity about my writing, or my communities, or even freed of the need to build platforms when my heart just wanted to praise Him.
And that all happened.
But in the quiet moments, the ones where I wasn’t expecting anything, God came strongly with a message. Over and over.
- In the lunch line with Kristen Strong – stop striving. You need to stop doing it all.
- In the darkness of the ballroom during Jennie Allen‘s keynote – stop striving. You don’t have to make up for anything.
- In the middle of the hotel lobby with Sally – stop striving. You are worthy and loved and important, no matter what happens.
I walked away from the weekend without as much clarity as I’d hoped, but with the knowledge that filling every corner of my life with “more” would only leave me without the capacity to receive what God has planned for me. All the striving – it never made me feel more worthy or content or successful. It only made me tired and disappointed. Rather than doing “as little as possible as well as possible” (a quote from Kat Lee that resonates with me daily), I’d been doing “as much as possible as poorly as you’d imagine.”
So I’m continuing to pray for clarity and vision. To know what to finish, what to say “no” to, what to leave, and what to keep – and praying for grace and understanding as I obey what God puts on my heart. I want to be part of the Esther Generation – available for “such a time as this” – ready and willing where God wants me, with open hands and margin in my life to do the things He calls me to do.
I will no longer strive ceaselessly for my own glory.
I will cease striving and give God the glory.
Doing lots poorly. Ugh. Then there’s the another side: doing a lot of procrastinating, and doing a little bit well. . .
Your point is well taken to ignore the shrill marketing voices of Be here! Be there! Be everywhere!
I’m sure there’s a Dr. Seuss rhyme that applies, although it doesn’t come to mind at present. 🙂
I know I am a few days late…but wow! I am not someone who went to allume, but have been feelign the same way. I feel like you took these words right out of my head “he knowledge that filling every corner of my life with “more” would only leave me without the capacity to receive what God has planned for me. All the striving – it never made me feel more worthy or content or successful. It only made me tired and disappointed. Rather than doing “as little as possible as well as possible” (a quote fromKat Lee that resonates with me daily), I’d been doing “as much as possible as poorly as you’d imagine.” ” Thank you!! Thank you for sharing your heart with us! I will tell you that God brought me back here for a reason Crystal…to read your blog and communicate with all the wondeful ladies here <3 I was missing this big piece of my life. I used to read you daily...and got away...god is so awesome! He brought me here to hear this message <3 wow crystal, you are such a blessing!
I know the feeling and after Allume last year, I reigned it in and have so much peace. I enjoy going deep rather than wide. He will bless you as you walk in His will for Him. He will not hold back! Keep pressing in, girl! Love you!! xo
A good word indeed to hear straight from the heart of the ONE who loves you most.
love you girl.
What a lovely comment, Amy!! You are so gifted with your words…and ALL of this is true about sweet Crystal.
Crystal, I have loved your series on Community and I think this might be my favorite post. What a blessing this series has been to me.
Love this and I so needed to hear this!
I’ve got your back in this. I get it and am so blessed that we can walk with one another on this journey and cheer and lean against one another as we lean into Jesus. There is no failure here only the realization that we need more of Jesus than we ever knew. I love you friend.
Such SUCH good words. I love your heart, friend…you are a gift. Thank you. 🙂
Been praying for you since that darkened ballroom, my friend. Can’t tell you how grateful I am for those few ugly crying minutes. I love you and won’t stop covering you in prayer.
I love you girl. I will say it a million times over. You are a beautiful gift and I love what you do for community and how you serve but even more than any of that, I love that you desperately want to honor God with your life and you’re wiling to go there again and again when you see your heart is wandering or looking for approval or earning your way, because don’t we all struggle with feeling like we need to add things to God’s grace and love to make it somehow come out more even? I love that you’re willing to lay it all down again and again and always go back to your first love. I’m with you, friend. I’m so sick of striving and trying to produce something to make God approve of me. I’m finding perfect rest in realizing I’m already enough.
You have been on my heart and in my prayers, Crystal! I am thankful that God spoke to you in this way. I often think of Gideon and how God stripped his army down to a measly 300, SO THAT IT WOULD BE OBVIOUS WHO SHOULD GET THE GLORY!! Sorry to yell, 🙂 but really if we miss that it is for God’s glory, He WILL make his presence known in our lives. So work hard to make His name great and trust Him to use you in ways that He desires.
I lack all of the things that you mentioned too, but I know you wouldn’t consider me “not worthy”. So, don’t do it to yourself!
That’ll preach, friend. OH, how it will! The striving can make me so dog-tired that I’ve got nothing left for God-directed activity. Or rest. I so appreciate your heart for women, Crystal, and your willingness to put it all out there honestly so we can know we don’t wrestle alone.
Yes, and amen. Talk about a word in due season!
Yes, yes, yes!!! You are amazing without a string of titles below your name or lines on a resume, or even contacts in your phone. You, the wife of that husband, twin to your sister, mama to that precious munchkin, friend to me are loved and worthy of it just because! Give yourself some “no”s and take in life. Love and hugs!! – and calorie free cupcakes with sprinkles!