When your life is flipped upside down and you watch God push you in a new direction, so many thoughts go through your mind. The why’s, the what now’s, the what have I done’s. Wondering what you could have done to avoid it, to change it, to make it fit your color-coded spreadsheets and to-do lists. And then – without realizing it – you look at the calendar and realize that you’ve survived.
You look back on that hard moment, the one that had you flat on your face before the throne of the King, and you are so thankful for the sweet grace of a God who slams doors shut and offers beautiful new chances down side streets that never before would have caught my eye.
Instead of my usual Friday post, linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker, my heart is craving this space to remember. To say that I know what it’s like to walk the hard road. To not know what the other side looks like or when you’re going to make it there. I know what it’s like to have your life tossed around, the scramble to put it back together again, the joy, the disappointment, the anxiety, the hope. I know it. I’m still there.
My story isn’t over yet. I write in the middle of it because I want you to know that God works powerfully in the “in between.” I have read countless books on how to become a better woman, sister-in-Christ, wife, mother. I have completed dozens of wonderfully written Bible studies and find deep community and accountability in them. But nothing compares to the communion of a daughter and her Father when there is nothing left to lay at the foot of the cross but a heart broken. It is more than book knowledge that has moved one foot in front of the other these last months. It has been nothing I’ve done and everything to do with the tender love of Jesus, His grace whispered over me, Truth spoken into my life by the right women at the right time.
The last two months have been beautifully difficult. I’ve learned to chase God Sized Dreams with abandon because I had no other choice. God has blessed me with a vision for this little blog, for a book, connections with amazingly wonderful people and a desire to continue to pursue my dreams while supporting my family. He has impressed upon my heart a renewed love for community, for encouraging others, for my family, and for just being…me. No ladders to climb, not titles to chase. To climb upward now means to spend time down deep in the Word.
Oh it hasn’t been perfect. Far from it. I’ve struggled with deep sadness over a door closed that I prayed for desperately; anxiety wondering how we would make it through; doubt about the choices that were before me and which ones were right. The enemy has poured lies of worthlessness, uselessness, un-wantedness, and loneliness into the broken pieces. I’ve sent emails full of joy and encouragement and emails full of regret and tears. However.
A new part of my story starts today. So does yours. So let’s tell our stories from beginning to end, not just the pieces that we can present with glorious life lessons and sparkly bows on top. This blog, this little bench that you’ve come to sit on for a moment today? I hope you take a close look and find that your name has been gently carved into it. It’s yours, a place to lay it all down for a minute, to know that the One who joins you here gets it. The survivors, the sifted-ones, the dreamers, the do-ers, the exhausted mamas, and the ones living the “in between” – you are welcome here.
*hugs* I was there… for months. And just recently God opened the door to a a dream that I hadn’t even dared to speak out loud. So I am with you in the in-between.
*hugs*
(And I get to hug you in two days!!)
I’ve had so many doors shut for me that seemed horrible and hurtful. Such as becoming pregnant only to miscarry. But in all this… we know God is faithful. So faithful to take the hurts and pain and turn them into wonderful blessings in disguise. We learn we don’t need all the answers, only to be reminded of his amazing grace.
You are on the right track, girl! I love your heart!
I love you. Yep… that just about covers it!
Praying for you Jessica! God is so amazing isn’t He? He’s got good plans for us. Bless you!
Love you just being you!! This is a beautiful post and so true. Did you know Jeff Goins just released his book The In-Between yesterday? God is there too, isn’t He. Good news!
Honored to share a bench with you! So much love to you and yours!!!
I love you.
Your transparency is beautiful and inviting.
Hugs and prayers for you, friend, as you keep living out that story, even the in-between parts. Thanks for including my name on the bench…can’t wait ’til we can sit on it together (in)RL. Blessings. 🙂
This is just beautiful. Crystal, since stumbling onto your blog through (???) not sure how :), your writing & your transparency has blessed me. KNOW that even through this time of struggle, you have been used. Grateful that the way up is down, deep in His Word. His Word will never cease to lift us up. Before leaving this comment, know that you were prayed for.
Blessings,
Joanne
Girl I am right in-between with you. When I think about our devastating days 2 months ago I think of you. How I read your comments somewhere on a blog saying you were walking a similar path. I remember feeling now alone anymore.
The door we’d prayed for for so long has been miraculously opened to us and then not quite a year later slammed in our face. The in-between is where God wants us right now. And the in-between is already becoming something I never planned. Something beautiful. I don’t know what the end looks like, and if I think too hard about it I get scared. But I’m walking the journey with my Jesus closer than I would have 6 months ago.
Thanks for sharing your story, and I look forward to giving a hug and a “we can get through this” high 5 at Desperate next weekend, my fellow in-between online friend. 🙂
“But nothing compares to the communion of a daughter and her Father when there is nothing left to lay at the foot of the cross but a heart broken.” It’s amazing how even in our disappointment and broken hearts how our Father so lovingly comforts us and gives us all we need. I too am gratefully for doors slammed shut because even in our disappointment at least it’s evident it wasn’t what God had planned and we can rest assured that His plan always turns out better than we could have imagined for ourselves…and sometimes He takes us through the wilderness before we can get to the Promised land! Thankful for this bench you invite us to and allow us a moment of refreshment and encouragement!! Happy Friday to you friend!
Beautiful….just beautiful!
You have been such an inspiration to me during your in-between time. A true testimony of letting God work thru you, oh, I am sure there have been less than beautiful scenes (& maybe tears?) behind closed doors, but I have been praying for you and your family. God has great things in store…I can’t wait to watch from the sidelines!
Crystal,
I love the line ” to climb upward means to spend time down deep in the Word.” I am definitely “in-between” – not 100% sure of what God is building, but I trust His agenda and my job is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, meanwhile staying in His word so that I can continue to write about His wonderful promises and faithfulness. I am encouraged and inspired by you being “the little blogger that could” :). You bring hope to the rest of us and a reminder that the journey is not always an easy one. Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable and write from your heart!
Blessings,
Bev