“Often we want to be somewhere other than where we are, to even to be someone other than who we are. We tend to compare ourselves constantly with others and wonder why we are not as rich, as intelligent, as simple, as generous, or as saintly as they are. Such comparisons make us feel guilty, ashamed, or jealous. It is very important to realize that our vocation is hidden in where we are and who we are. We are unique human beings, each with a call to realize in life what nobody else can, and to realize it in the concrete context of the here and now.
We will never find our vocations by trying to figure out whether we are better or worse than others. We are good enough to do what we are called to do. Be yourself!”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Bread for the Journey: A Daybook of Wisdom and Faith
I’m about to head out for a weekend away. From the outside looking in, when you see the photos on social media, the Periscope videos, the Instagrams, you might be tempted to fill in the blanks and assume what’s not really happening. The truth is, I’m going on a retreat that makes me feel like a toddler thrown in a sea of giants. I don’t belong.
But will you know that I’m struggling with that when you see me share a grinning photo on Twitter?
The truth is, I don’t feel like I have anything to offer this group. I don’t have book projects to talk about, speaking engagements to share, funny anecdotes about people recognizing me in the grocery store. I’m not even a very good story teller when someone asks me to share, and when I do speak, I wonder why I’m wasting their time.
But when you see what I share on Instagram, will you know that I’m fighting doubt every day?
The truth is I’m afraid. I struggle a lot with fear and anxiety, and these trips, the ones where I feel like some combination of the new kid and the annoying little sister? They make me ill. I likely won’t be able to sleep tonight because I’ll be wondering how to get through the moments where it feels like everyone is hanging out without me.
But when you see something shared online this weekend, my smile – the one that might not reach all the way to my eyes – it might not give it away.
There’s always so much more beneath the surface of what we see and share with one another. And the truth is, I struggle to believe what Henri Nouwen says, that “our vocation is hidden in where we are and who we are.” Because where I am is a tiny town that doesn’t care much about bloggers, one that doesn’t start with Nash and end with ville. And who I am seems insignificant compared to names that grace bestseller, best of, award winning, must have lists.
When I believe the lies in my head, it feels impossible for a small town girl of little significance to find her calling.
I’m not telling you all of this for a pity party. I’m asking, instead, for a prayer party. Because I know the truth in my heart – that where I am is exactly where God wants me, and who I am is a daughter of the King. Easy to know in the comfort of my own home and even easier to forget the moment I look around and compare. This weekend, if you see a photo or social media post that I share – because I do want to share the moments with you – might it be your reminder to pray for peace of mind, security in the Spirit, and confidence in who God created me to be? And if you like or comment, I’ll use it as my reminder to pray for you, to thank God for a community who loves big, across timezones?
I want to leave tomorrow believing that I am good enough to do what I’m called to do. As me. But tonight? I’m more than a little doubtful.
I’m praying for you and praying for me on the same subject. Although I won’t feel completely out of my element at Declare in a couple of weeks, I feel that way in my head all the time. I’m with a new dear friend this weekend who is reminding me that I am enough as God made me to be.
May you think about the truth in your heart instead of the lies in your head.
Thoughts and prayers! thank you so very much for all that you do, it means more than I could ever tell you!!
Oh Crystal, I love that you opened your heart and shared this with us! I can’t wait to see the goodness of your weekend retreat! I’m so tempted to “wish I was there” whenever there is a conference or retreat, etc, but it’s great to be reminded that we can’t see behind the scenes! Praying that you have a blessed time and remember that your story is needed too! You are awesome!
I’m praying for you, Crystal, that you will rest securely in the knowledge that you are exactly who God created you to be, and that He has a perfect plan for you that is unique to you. And I think you are awesome. And brave. Handling Periscope like a boss. LIke. A. Boss.