I would rather be lonely than hurt.
Have you ever said that? It’s kind of my “thing” I guess. I sometimes blame it on being an introvert, but more often than not the pursuit of fame and invitation hurts. I’ve been uninvited, under qualified, over qualified, rejected, and unnoticed – and that’s just in the last few months. Why in the world would I want to keep going back to community and friendship when all it does it make me jealous? Wouldn’t the solution be to walk away?
Listen. Sometimes there are reasons to walk away from harmful and hurtful relationships that are not glorifying to God. There are. But that’s not what I’m talking about here.
What I’m talking about here are the small hurts, the little rejections, the slights that build up until it feels like nothing can possibly go right and why even bother? You begin to doubt where God has called you, wish you were someone else, or wonder if there is even room for you in a sea of endless voices and opinions and talents.
The solution isn’t to walk away. Oh I wish fixing a problem of jealousy were that easy. The solution – the real solution that will fix it deep down – is to go to God and ask Him to reveal the self-ambition your heart is seeking.
I don’t want to do it either, but it’s the best medicine.
Today’s Reading
- Read James 3:16 in any Scripture translation you prefer.
- Now, grab a notebook, post-it, or note card and write it out.
Envy and self-ambition breed disorder and chaos. Does your life feel like that right now? Does it feel like everything is running out of control, no matter how hard you work at it? Your relationships aren’t right, your work isn’t right, your parenting is just …off?
Could the root of it all be envy? Or self-ambition? Let’s go ahead and rip the bandaid off quickly because whatever it you’re trying to use to cover up what your heart is really struggling with? It’s not going to fix anything. Would you do something with me?
Open up your favorite social media channel. Take 5 minutes to scroll through and see what other people are doing. Respond like you normally would.
How did your heart feel when you read someone’s good news? When you saw that she just signed the same kind of book contract you’ve been asking God for – for years? What about when you saw that opportunity – the one you knew would be really great for a friend of yours but you thought you would apply and not share it with her instead?
It’s sneaky stuff, jealousy. But when we evaluate our lives we can see the fruit. Good trees bear good fruit. Are you living a life that is bearing good fruit – or chaos and disorder and drama at every turn?
Questions:
- How does the phrase “selfish-ambition” make you feel?
- Is you life bearing the kind of good fruit you’d hoped for?
- What is God revealing to you that you’ve covered up with a bandaid that needs real healing?
I really really hate the words “selfish ambition” but even more I hate that they are in me, making me jealous. I hate that I’m responding out of a spirit of lack when I see other people’s success or out of an attitude of superiority. But I’m also thankful that the Holy Spirit is pointing this out while my stage is small. He has been reminding me that my heart isn’t going to instantly change if I get a book deal, jealousy is something everyone has to deal with – even people who have what I want.
Selfish-ambition makes me feel like it’s all about me, when it’s not. As long as I keep my eyes on Jesus I have peace about my current circumstances. When I let thoughts of envy or jealousy creep in, I fall apart. Truth is, I have to ask God to help me focus on him over and over again, every day. It’s not easy.