I won’t pretend that community and friendship are easy for me. There is something so safe and unassuming about the internet that might make you think that my social media engagement skills translate smoothly into real life.
They don’t.
I’m awkward and awful at small talk. I don’t know where to look, and I always over-analyze what I say after I say it. After a full day of being with people, my brain starts to shut down, my eyes glaze over, and I struggle to focus. It’s not a good look. Think fish out of water gasping for air and hoping her cute earrings distract from the feelings of “overwhelmed” and “under-qualified” that are racing through her head.
Because I also wear my thoughts and feelings on my face, like a transparent veil into my heart.
While I admire and respect women who thrive on constant engagement and interaction with others, I’m starting to understand more clearly that God made me just a little bit differently. He’s given me the desire to connect on a wide scale through the work that I do online, and the passion to invest in a small circle of real life friends.
- The ones who don’t care about or even necessarily always understand my job.
- The friends who know my heart and my intentions well enough to pray me through a course-correction when I need one.
- The women who love me enough to celebrate with me, cry with me, or make me laugh when I need to lighten up.
These are friends who desire to be FOR me – not to be me.
And while I might know and have access to a lot of people online, there are a very few, very select number in that inner circle who I trust and confide in. Because being for someone is much, much different than wanting to be them. Being for someone means that you are confident enough in who God made you that you have no agenda for your relationship with the other person, other than to live in healthy friendship and love them.
Wanting to be someone brings jealousy and discontent, disappointment and misunderstanding. Your motivation for engagement is “what’s in it for me,” while being FOR someone leads with “how can I love them well?”
God has created us all for relationship, but He’s never promised us that it would be easy. It takes work. In fact, did you know that origin of the word “relationship” means:
- Relation: a connection between one person and another
- -ship: denoting a craft or skill
Building healthy community and trustworthy friendships means that you invest time, intention, and resources into developing the skill to connect with one another. It takes work – and it means surrounding yourself with women you can learn from, like a friendship-apprentice. That type of investment also means that you might need to narrow your focus and prayerfully consider who God has put in front of you, and who He’s asking you to bring into your inner circle, because you are a limited and valuable resource.
Love well.
Be FOR others.
Make the investment.
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*Jumps to my feet* Standing ovation for this one, Crystal. Absolutely a standing ovation. xoxo
Crystal, this is so good and I can relate so much to it all. Thank you.
Love this, Crystal. What I’m learning about myself is that when I am pouring into those face-to-face, bring me chocolate on the bad days friendships, I am a better encourager online. The priority for me has always been offline relationships … sometimes I’m pretty sure it has cost me something online. But anytime I’ve ever lost sight and let what’s happening in my computer become more important than what is happening in my community, I’ve been quickly reminded how all the pretty avatars {or likes or shares} can never replace the actual people in my life. I guess for me it has boiled down to this, my online connections can only thrive when my offline community is thriving.
I love that you broke down the meaning of relationship. “denoting a craft or skill.” It reminds me of how we may work hard at a certain passion of ours, but to do it well, we have to learn it the right or proper way. And the way you broke it down just made me think of how different and unique each relationship is. That you can’t approach every person or relationship you want to develop the same way. We have to really understand the other person, who they are and intentionally invest in the beautiful quirks about them. Also, I totally relate to only being able to engage so much. I love interacting with others and building relationships online/offline. It brings me joy. But I still need my own me-time. I tend to do better if I’ve had my daily ounce of solitude. At this point, I’m not even sure if I’m an introvert or extrovert, lol, but I find alone time precious because that’s when I feel God the most.
I think it’s awesome that you spend more time investing in those that are closest to you. It’s great that you’re able to reach out to others online – I mean, that’s how I found you, lol. But our light shines even brighter to those that really know the things going on in your life. Good and bad. And they’re often our most rewarding ministry. Thank you for this reminder, Crystal.
Crystal, I so appreciated this post. I have a great group of friends here in real life that are my girls. I am so thankful for them. Thank you for being so honest, because God uses each of us in different ways. I am always surprised at how God expands the circle for me…bringing in friends who just get me and understand my heart.
The cute earrings comment made me smile. 🙂 Small talk…no, *any* talk—is hard. I like keeping my circle small…sometimes incredibly small, which is why it’s awkward when I feel God sorta nudging me to talk to people when so often I’d rather become “one with the wallpaper” out of comfort and convenience. This balancing act of investing in one’s inner circle while being open to others God’s put in front of me, is confusing at best for me because it’s always changing—like a pendulum trying so hard to “be still” in a world that’s anything but. I’d never given any thought to what “-ship” added to “relation.” That’s interesting.
Thank you for writing this. It’s nice to know there are others who have similar issues with translating words on a page into words in a relationship. I believe God is calling me to a season of change in order to try new relationships. It is daunting, but I know He will give me the Strength to do this and the Love to share with these new friends. I love your words, Crystal. God uses you in many lives. Thank you for being honest so others can as well.