Those empty chairs would soon be filled with some of the most impressive people I’ve ever had the honor of meeting. Mothers, fathers, married, single. Dreamers, do-ers, world-changers, entrepreneurs, visionaries, encouragers, and artists. All coming in from the bitter cold to break bread and fellowship over New Orleans style food somewhere in the middle of Arkansas.
I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more out of place and insecure.
I’m not sure what’s happened to my confidence. Scratch that. I know exactly what happened. I guess I don’t know why I haven’t been able to get it back. To believe that I belong where I’ve been invited. At what point in a journey of humbling before God do the insecurities fade away and confidence in who I am in God returns? After quite a bit of time in the valley, I feel as though I’m starting to see God setting my foot on solid ground again. But that other foot? It likes to live in the squishy, unstable past. The one where any small slip up will be the end of a dream. Where I’m only part of the team as long as I’m useful.
I’m at a hard part in this journey, and I share because I don’t want you to see these pictures online and feel envy. As neat and sparkly as it might look from the outside, it’s not the whole story. As nice as it was to meet new people and practice my sadly lacking small talk skills (sad, y’all. sad.), I craved the comfort zone of home. It’s all part of the journey God has me on – on that continues to shape my heart to reflect more of Him and less of me.
Less of me means taking me out of my comfort zone.
More of Him means putting down the phone to look someone in the eye and ask about their recent trip to Thailand.
Less of me means smiling and eating a little more dessert when I’d rather be in yoga pants.
More of Him means putting myself out there to chat one-on-one with someone I admire, ignoring the feeling that they would rather talk to someone else.
It’s not an easy path, but even with one foot still feeling stuck in the squish, I’d keep choosing it. Because that one foot inching toward solid ground? The one that has seen the blessing? Oh that one makes it worth it.
As much as I love this link up, I’m wondering if it’s time for something new? Do I keep up with “behind the scenes” or do we start something new? Maybe we only link up once a month? What are your thoughts, friends? I’d love to hear them!