I loved writing this series. I truly did. And to have had the wisdom from last year to write all but a few posts in September saved my sanity – because this month has completely flown by. I thought I’d have all the time in the world this month to work on other projects, to dream big, to do big and fancy and important things – and I haven’t.
Here’s what I’ve learned this month. {warning: crazy long post and Allume recap ahead}
1. Fear is paralyzing
I had this idea that I would use all my usual blog writing time and see if God wanted me to do something bigger with my words. He said yes. And I sat in fear in front of my television and refused to open the emails that would give me the step forward I needed to take. I was weary and let myself use it as an excuse to do – nothing. I looked at the women around me who have already walked this road, who are doing big, amazing work for the Kingdom, and I allowed the enemy to convince me that their calling diminished my own, that there wasn’t enough room for me to add my voice the way I felt God was asking me to add it.
That’s a lie. When I went to Allume I asked God for affirmation and encouragement. It took a few days (more on that in a bit) for me to get over myself and to hear Him in the crowd. But when Sophie Hudson spoke, I sat and gulped tea and ate cookies to choke down the tears that were inching up my throat because her words, her message? It was what I’d asked God for – a word of encouragement, a challenge to go and do the thing God had called me to do, and to build community where women see God in each other and act as safe places for our tender hearts. To out-do one another in honor, not one-up one another in achievements. {you can watch her message here}
2. God is refining my audience
I’ll admit it. I love writing this 31 Days series because I love to see new numbers, new faces, new comments. I love to engage with and encourage women I haven’t met before, and I look at posts that go viral and what other bloggers are doing and say “why not me?” This month, what God has revealed to me when I considered giving it all up (yeah. That happened at Allume.) was that He gives me words to share because I am doing work for HIS kingdom (not mine), and if He wants the message to simply be for me, to work through and process and refine my heart to be more like Him? Then that’s what He’s going to do.
And if He wants one other person to read it – or if He wants hundreds – those aren’t the numbers I need to know about or care about, and will never realize the full extent of the reach of my obedience on this side of heaven. God is asking me to write. He has given me the gift and this space to be a welcome, open door on the internet, and His question for me isn’t “will you write this for millions?” It’s “will you write this for me?”
3. I have lost my joy
I showed up to Allume with all the expectations of our “what’s in it for me” culture. Who would be there who could pour into my empty heart? Who would say “yes” to me when all the messages around me are telling me I should be saying “no” to all the things? What doors would be opened for me? What would I get out of it? Would I be included? Would I be invited? Would I be known? In a room full of 450 amazing women, my insecurities were shining like a glowstick on Halloween. My heart was in an ugly place. It took a good word from the stage and a change of scenery (and a little clearance Anthropologie shopping) to clear my head.
I came to the end of this month – done. I was exhausted and I couldn’t figure out why. I have a job I love, a family I adore, and God has been so incredibly faithful and generous. But I was fighting to love it all. And then Shauna Niequist spoke and put into words what my heart was struggling to understand. I was letting the enemy steal my joy – right in the middle of season where God was giving me permission to chase what brings me joy.
I brought fears into this year that inched their way into my every day. Afraid I wasn’t doing enough to prove myself in this new role – so I stopped giving myself grace and freedom and instead defaulted to working harder, making longer to-do lists, and feeling flat out annoyance at people who had margin to do frivolous things like get lunch outside the house or run errands. I was becoming militant and miserable, and it was exactly what I needed to hear to start heading back toward joy. {you can watch Shauna’s message here}
4. What happens next
This 31 Days series affirmed a few things for me. I know that my place here on the interwebs is to encourage, inspire and equip women to chase what brings them joy, and to savor the season God has them in. I’ve learned what I’m not, who I don’t want to be, and where my heart needs to change.
The true joy of this series was filming the videos – as rough and unedited and real as they were – because I got to connect with true friends and introduce you to them. The true joy of Allume was getting to hug many of those same friends in real life, to laugh, go out of my comfort zone, ugly cry, and share life together.
I don’t know what November will bring – a lot of change, a lot of uncertainty, a big dose of faith that God knows the answers to all the questions I have. But I know that because of what God has walked me through this month, I want to fill any extra time on my calendar with people, not tasks.
Thank you for reading and watching along with me this month! If you missed any posts or want to go back and revisit one of your favorites, simply click the image below for the full list.
Do you know what I love about you, Crystal? Well, one thing that I love about you? Your honesty. You always bring a good measure of transparency to conversations, and you are always you, and I always feel safe talking with you because of that. Hope we can keep connecting. Love your heart, friend.
Oh Crystal, I love your vulnerability here, and how you let us come in to your insecurities and fears and then points us to Jesus. I struggle with this fierce competition (I’m competitive in all of life, even silly things like who can get to bed first) and your words just pierced my heart. Truly, we ought to outdo one another in showing honor, even in (especially in) the blogosphere. Thank you, sweet friend for your words. May God bless your work this month and make you shine for Him, all glory to Him!
God isn’t asking, “Will you write this for millions?” He’s asking, “Will you write this for me?” I love that!! I need to remember that. Numbers can be so discouraging. Thanks for sharing!
It is so easy to wonder why HE has us write…and then some how, and in some subtle way HE shows up to remind us.
Glad the challenge was a blessing!
-Kenzel
Sophie’s message resonated with me as well – mainly, well, ALL of it! I was a sobbing mess for a few hours after thinking about how we need people in our lives to listen, pray, bless & how if you outdo one another with honor you take the competition off the table. I think you and I are kind of cut from the same cloth, we are encouragers, and we have good taste in clothes 😉 When encouragement isn’t being received or we aren’t being encouraged, life gets out of whack. I appreciate you & your words & ministry. Maybe next Allume we can spend some time together?
I would love that 🙂
Oh friend. I love your voice and your heart. Thanks for being vulnerable and real and for chasing God’s heart rather than chasing your own desires. He will make those things one. I just know it.
Please move your family to my town so I can see you in person all the time and make you have ridiculous dance parties with me. The end.
Crystal, I wasn’t at Allume and truly this is the first of your series I have read- but if God doesn’t have perfect timing I don’t think I breath air. Your words, your vulnerability … They called out the ache in my heart. I was so just twisting in bed all night last night with doubts and insecurities over this writing thing. And then like the faithful morning sun Jesus pointed out the hope through your words.
Thank You is hardly adequate but it’s all I have- you have blessed me beyond words this morning!
You are a sweet answer to prayer, friend 🙂 Thank you (and welcome!) – I’m so honored to have you here.
I can’t tell you how much reading your words about how you came to Allume makes me want to just hug you again. To hear that you had the same thoughts and fears that I had is a comfort to me. It is also a lesson that the life we see online or the smile we see on others faces don’t tell the full story. I am so glad that you heard the word He wanted you to and that you are sharing it with us today because we all need to know that the work (any work) we do is all for His glory and not our own.
{{hug}} thank you for saying “me, too” – that means so much!
All by His strength, for His glory. Yes!
Love this and love you!
Back at ya, sister. And praying and waiting expectantly to see what God is up to for you this next month 🙂 Excited for Monday!
well maybe this, this post from this girl just down the road, is the very reason I never sold my ticket to Allume. Thank you Crystal!
I’m so glad you didn’t sell your ticket, and I’m so glad we met 🙂
I’ve gotten to “know” you this month, Crystal, and, now knowing that ‘you don’t have it altogether’ like I thought you did when I saw you on (in)courage posts and in videos , etc. makes you a real-live sister. Like the rest of us imperfects!!! Numbers, stats, likes, follows, RT’s are empty IF that is why we are participating in this blogosphere! It’s always ALL ABOUT HIM, and when we forget that, we need to do an about-face and get right back to the basics again. I’ve enjoyed the interviews and this post especially! You revealed your heart! xo
Oh gosh, girl – I am the definition of “not having it all together!” I’m so glad you enjoyed the videos, they were so fun to do (but there is no way this introvert could have done 31 of them, so thanks for sticking with me!)
Love the honesty and authenticity that is so visible in your words. You are such an inspiration to me & many more to be sure we are doing all this for God #1. Can’t wait to see what God has in store for you in Nov.
Kim, you are so sweet! Thank you so much 🙂
Just wanted to say I appreciate your heart and everyone that reads your words does too. Large audience or small, God gave you words that many of us need to hear and are reading, not knowing or caring how many followers you have. Keep close to God and he’ll lead you to reach the right people at the right time 🙂 And take a breath once and a while – we’re all insecure with you 🙂
Ah, the true writing sisterhood..all of us coming together with our insecurities because we can’t help but do this thing 🙂
Love this post and the way you share your heart, girlie! I knew that God was speaking a good work in you when we spoke at Allume and am so glad that you could hear His voice. Fabulous way to end your series, my friend. xoxo
Holly, girl? You were such a bright, beautiful spot in my Allume weekend. Every big hug, every introduction to a new friend, every check in to see how I was doing (and when I said fine I was totally lying because I didn’t want to ugly cry all over your beautiful hair). Thank you for seeing me, and my heart. It meant more than you could know 🙂
Boom! This is EXACTLY the first thing I needed to read this morning. #1 “I allowed the enemy to convince me that their calling diminished my own,” YEP. #2 I really have NO audience. I’ve convinced myself I’m “doing it all wrong”–this blogging thing–and have decided to quit 100 times this year. I actually did #write31Days just to prove to myself I can actually stick with something. “He gives me words to share because I am doing work for HIS kingdom (not mine), and if He wants the message to simply be for me, to work through and process and refine my heart to be more like Him?” I say that every week but I don’t think I really mean it. #3 I have absolutely lost my joy. “so I stopped giving myself grace and freedom and instead defaulted to working harder, making longer to-do lists, and feeling flat out annoyance at people who had margin to do frivolous things like get lunch outside the house or run errands” #4 “I know that my place here on the interwebs is to. . .” I really don’t know what my place is or what I am or what I am not. Maybe I need to figure that out.
I read the similar struggles of so many women and am reminded that it’s not just me and that our Enemy is determined to destroy us. Thank you for being transparent and truthful. I am encouraged by your witness among “the great cloud of witnesses” to put on the armor and get ready for battle again today.
Oh girl. Put on that truth and all the armor and go out and defeat this enemy who always, always, always loses in the end. That part of the story has already been written. Let’s not let him think he gets to change it 😉