When you build community for a living, you start to believe the craziest lies. The enemy finds a little crack in the armor and suddenly the insecurities start to overwhelm me. Because in my head? I do a pretty decent job encouraging others to find community. I cheer them on, call them brave, and stand back in awe as God shines brightly through them. But I’m convinced I don’t belong there with them.
I start to believe the lie that I need to have it all together in order to actually join any of this community that I’m offering. Sure, I tell other women to come as they are, flaws & all, and it sounds great and it truly is my heart. But the enemy has stealthily convinced me that I don’t belong there on that bench.
- If I show up as I really am, maybe they won’t want me to do this job anymore.
- If I really let everyone in – and they see how I’ve messed up in community & how afraid of it I am sometimes – they’ll call me a liar.
- I should probably wait until I have a stronger prayer life, a more consistent quiet time, and have my family saying prayers at every meal before I jump in – because those things are important and should be priorities.
- If I join, I’ll feel like an outcast because I’m seen as a leader – not a member. No one will really want to get to know me – or if they do, it will be because of who I work for, not because of who I am.
I know the truth in my head, because I preach it to my sisters and I believe it for them. That God doesn’t call those who are perfect – He calls the broken because He shines more brightly through the cracks. But when the weariness of jobs, motherhood, marriage, and life overwhelm, and I let down my guard, I believe all too easily that “lonely” is the name I should claim. Not daughter, not invited, not sister. Because I don’t have it all together.
I don’t. I’m a big, human, mess who desperately needs community who “gets” her. The kind that doesn’t want anything. The friends who have no expectations, no requirements, no pretense, no fear of the ugly cry or the silent laugh or anything in between.
I think I’ll take my own advice, flaws & all, and see if I can’t find my spot on the bench.
