There are so many awkward personal questions that women receive as we enter into adulthood:
- What do you think you want to do after school?
- When are you going to get married?
- When are you going to have children?
- Are you going to keep working?
But the one that continues to surprise me most as a mother is this one:
- When are you going to have another baby?
Seems innocent enough, right? And to be honest, I know I’ve asked my own version of this to friends, and no question in itself is inherently wrong. There’s nothing sinister about asking a question like this if you know the person well. But I think there is something that comes along with this question, a comparison of sorts, a gauging of responses and a follow up giving of unasked for advice that can make it uncomfortable.
Why do we do this to each other? Why do we make a mama with an only child feel like she ranks lower than the mamas who have multiples by trying to convince her of all the reasons she should have “at least one more.” Why do we assume that 2.5 children plus a white picket fence makes a family complete? Why is it hard to believe that a family might choose to cherish their one? Our culture puts such a negative connotation on “only child” that I’ve often felt like I need to defend my family, finding examples of how we’re making sure our “only” isn’t growing up spoiled or entitled or {insert other stereotypes of only children}.
Our “only” is a gift from God. An answer to prayer, our biggest joy and my little button pusher. In fact, if you know our story, she isn’t our “only” at all, but the one God has chosen to give us to raise on this side of heaven. We prayed for her long before she was born, and we continue to ask God what His will is for our lives.
Right now? He’s calling us to this – a family of three. Beautiful and flawed and crazy ordinary in every way. My “only” isn’t less than your multiples. Motherhood is no less challenging or hard or wonderful – it’s just all of those things in the unique and glorious way God created us all to experience life differently.
Like anything else in life, there is no one way to be a mother. There is no magic number of children that gives you a doctorate in motherhood, nothing that makes you a professional, nothing that ranks us higher than one another. Sometimes motherhood simply looks like loving and leading the child God has placed in your life, pointing them back to Christ the best way you know how and trusting Him to work out the details. We’re doing that with our one – on purpose.
Next time we chat, and you’re tempted to tell me all the reasons I should have more children? Maybe instead ask me what God is doing in our family. Or ask me about my motherhood story. Ask me what joys and challenges I’m facing in this season with a toddler. Tell me you’ve been there, too. Make me laugh and share stories that let me know I’m not alone. Tell me I’m doing a better job than I think I am, and that we’ll all survive.
That’s what the heart of this mama of our precious “only” needs.
Crystal, I hopped over to your blog after listening to your Influence Network podcast, and I really appreciate this post. Your words are spot on and I desperately wish more women thought this way! My husband and I have been married a little over a year, and already people have put the “So, when are you having kids?!” pressure on us. It’s frustrating, because I feel like they’re treating us like we’re somehow “incomplete” because our family consists of two people (well, and a dog and a cat). Or that I’m not a “real” woman because I haven’t birthed a tiny human.
There has to be grace for all of us, right? From the newlywed couple with no kids to the 30-somethings who have weathered miscarriages and adoptions that fell through, to the mom of one or the mom of five. There’s grace for all of us. We are all of equal worth and standing in the eyes of Christ. The Cross puts everyone on the same level.
You are such a sweet person (listening to your podcast episode from the Influence Network right now)! 🙂 I’m so glad you mentioned this because talking about things that are hard to talk about can often be the things that other women need to hear.
We have a toddler and one on the way, but I loved being reminded that I should talk to my friends about how God is touching their family or how motherhood is with a toddler. Sometimes we get fixated on these “life quotas” and we miss the real reason why we have been brought together at that point in time. Thanks again!
Elizabeth @ Fit Life with E
Crystal, thank you for sharing this. You’re not alone. Is there another post where you share your journey to motherhood?
We so often ask questions that we don’t consider the consequences of. I have heard so often “when are you going to finally have kids” when people don’t know where we are as a couple. What our hearts are and that God is telling us “not quite yet”.
Thank you for sharing this.
Yes Carla! I totally agree. Those details of when are really personal and can’t always be shared. For us the answer has been, “We’re waiting on God’s timing.” Because it’s true. And sometimes He does say wait!
Alesha <3
Preeeeeeeeeeeeeach, Crystal. Oh, man. So good. I fear that we (especially as a Christian culture) see children as little trophies to a woman’s femininity. They aren’t, they’re blessings from the Lord. And the most important thing about the little blessings is that they are from. the. LORD. The LORD is the center, not our kids. And we have to remember that children aren’t the only blessing. I fell into this temptation when I was pregnant with my first (and currently only) baby, that I had to crank out as many kids as possible to achieve a certain status. But, you know what? Being a mom has been crazy hard. It’s super difficult. I’m not sure when it will be time for Baby #2 (if there is a Baby #2!) but I am sure that I need to be faithful with Baby #1. Thanks so much for sharing, Crystal!
This was my life and my heart for more than five years. I was never able to put it into words like this, so I’m so glad you did. xoxo
Thanks so much for sharing your heart. I, too, am a mother of an “only”, at least here on this earth. I have eight babies waiting on me in heaven, and for me, that makes heaven just that much sweeter. My husband and I finally had to accept that our plans were not the same as God’s plans. We are not angry or bitter…we are blessed!
I get the opposite: shock and dismay at “Oh you have four!” then the stink eye when they see my oldest and note her age and compare/contrast it to what they assume mine to be. then I just want to shake them and yell “They are ALL adopted and how dare you judge me and yes I know how they got here but that route didn’t work for me.” Sometimes, people suck, eh? Feeling your frustration, sister-but you wrote it with grace. Well done.
Oy I think we all go through some version of this. I bet the only child one is more common than mine but I often get “wow so you have a boy and a girl 2 years apart, so you’re done then!” People just judge and assume based upon their own experience or worldly observation. It seems no one making these comments wants to have a conversation about YOU, it’s their own experience/fear coming out onto you. There is definitely no perfect family or perfect number, just perfect for what God gave you personally.
So good, Crystal. The wonderful thing about growing up and growing in Christ is that we can look at others and see their callings and not feel threatened by them or judgmental about them.
Three years ago (after I had my second-born son) I was on the “everyone should have two!!!!!! This is amazing!!” bandwagon. But just two years earlier, I asked a group full of female friends “WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS AGAIN?” I was a week postpartum and that tiny firstborn was rocking my world.
I’m thankful for people like you who help others understand why some questions are just not necessary. (Hello twenty-something self who asked my boss, “why would you have kids if you’re not going to stay home with them?” Meet your thirty-something self who has two kids and DOESN’T STAY HOME WITH THEM.)
Oh, to grow in wisdom 😉 xoxo
This is a beautiful post, Crystal! I tend to get my feathers ruffled a bit for completely opposite reasons. Questions like “Wow, isn’t it expensive to have so many?” Or “You must not believe in birth control, eh?” …or since I myself am an only child… “Hard to believe you ‘only children’ want to have a ton of kids – when are you going to stop working outside the home and stop trying to have the best of both worlds? That’s kind of selfish of you. Then again, you were spoiled when you were raised.”
These comments are extreme but they are asked of me often – and even as politely as someone asks it still rubs.
I think you have stated your situation above just beautifully and it’s yet another reason we mothers should stick together to support one another. Support the “what’s best” for our families and the phases of life God has us in the middle of. No matter how different it might look to others around us.
Thank you for writing this one. I love it when you put your heart into words. Such encouragement like no other.
Beautiful post! And such true words. I occasionally find myself asking the opposite question (usually in my head): “They’re going to have ANOTHER child?!”, when I can’t wrap my head around parents who want three or four or five. I need to remember that God has a different plan for each family and just because two completes my family doesn’t mean that’s exactly the same number that’s going to fit into everyone else’s puzzle.
Oh, Crystal, I get this in a way that probably only those of that are living this life can understand. My only is 26. I have two children in heaven, one I lost in a second trimester miscarriage after getting a serious illness while pregnant. The other was a baby girl that lived outside my body for 4 days. I think I’ve heard all the insensitive things that people can say, but in my heart of hearts I know I haven’t. It took me a long time, years even, to accept that my family of three was just what God wanted for us. It was like he intended and each of my other children are blessings that I got to have for a short while or not at all here on earth.
I love how God redeems all the wrong notes in the music of our lives…even when it doesn’t seem like it at the time. Thank you for writing so beautifully on this topic.