I’ve always loved words. When I was little I would escape for hours into a good book. I learned to write well by reading great authors, and one of the few defining moments of my middle school years happened when my Language Arts teacher invited me to join the school newspaper.
But the words that used to flow so easily have disappeared lately. Maybe it’s because blogging used to be my creative outlet after working a full day as a bank teller – and now I spend all day writing words and sharing words and being online for my job. It’s no longer a creative outlet for my brain but another item on my work “to do list.”
Or maybe it’s because God and I have some stuff to work out about this love of words He gave me. Because I feel like He wants me to use them for Him, but all my attempts to pursue the “next steps” of writing or speaking have led to more rejection and more humbling. And maybe I’m a little mad and a lot sad about it.
So I’ve disappeared from this space for awhile, with just a “Friday Favorites” or giveaway post when I have a commitment to share something, but nothing has really come from my heart. I’m not inspired by the same things anymore. Hearing a great sermon at church leads to a great Instagram post, not an extensive blog post. I feel pretty empty right now, and not just when it comes to writing.
Facebook likes to remind me every morning of all the things I’ve done “on this day” since I joined – which, since I’m an early adopter and totally joined Facebook back when it was still just for college students, is a LOT of time. Most of the memories are sweet and lovely reminders. Some make me wonder what in the world I was doing and why I would post THAT. And others make me realize how far I’ve stepped away from things I used to love to do.
- Volunteer with youth group
- Attend local events
- Help with friend’s blog posts
- Work as a VA
- Participate in link-ups
- Writing because I loved it, not because I had to stick to a plan
- Record podcasts with friends
- Share other people’s posts just because I liked them, not because I felt obligated
- Speak at conferences
Some of those things were for a season and they were wonderful, but the time for them has passed. Some of those things I’ve given up on because of my own insecurities and fears. But unfortunately all of them have taken me out of the communities I used to love. And that feels empty, too.
To be honest, I don’t know when I’ll write here again. I do have a lovely planner to review & promote so you might see that on here this week. But maybe this summer I need to get back to where it all started – learning to write well by reading great authors. Spending time at the library with my kiddo and filling back up on experiences. Not worrying about the identity or niche or focus of this space but writing to be faithful when God asks me to – because after all this time, if God hasn’t grown my blog to be a “big deal” I kind of doubt that He’s going to start now, so why try to fit into a box to get to that place?
Although the words might be scarce around here, I’d still love to hang out with you on Instagram – it’s my happy place. And hopefully you’ll stick around to see what happens next, whenever that might be.
Crystal, thank you so much for sharing your struggle with us. I have been called to write and I can’t figure out how to make it happen on a small scale until God is ready to make it bigger. So, I’m working a full time job and fitting in writing when I can. I feel like I’m failing God. Thank you for sharing that the life of a full time blogger isn’t as wonderful as I had imagined it to be. I’m praying for both of us that God opens the next door. Right now, we will wait faithfully in the hallway.
I totally get where you are coming from – I struggled for so long with this very thing. I was immersed in the blogging community and online ministry for a couple of years (before even Facebook and Twitter existed. I feel old!) and I loved it so much. I was in a season where I needed to get what it meant to be in community – with God and with others. I found that. When I stepped back to start teaching preschool 6 years ago, I missed it enough that I kept trying to step back in. But it was never the same. I thought I was doing something wrong, but it took these past few weeks of God drawing me to something scary and new to help understand that it wasn’t me or anything I was or wasn’t doing. It was just not my season to be in it anymore. I will always, always cherish that time as something so amazing – God changed me and led me to some really wonderful people. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to let go of these things, because they have been so good. God has used you in so many fantastic ways and I know that He has even more great things in store for you, friend, even if they do look a little different.
You are alway so encouraging to me – thank you for sharing this part of your story with me!
Thank You so much for your honesty Crystal ! It is so much needed right now as I am feeling the same way lately. The words have not been coming to me and I have just been feeling “stuck”. I think I need a break from social media so that I can plug back in to The Lord. He is trying to get my attention and honestly I need him more then all the things I am getting distracted with. You will be in my thoughts and prayers…..Take Care Crystal ?
Blessings,
Michelle Pruett
Praying you’ll find peace and inspiration in that time you spend with God. xoxo
Pursuing creative work has been one of the hardest things I’ve done or am doing/trying to do. I find myself caught up in the “stuff” of it all, and then I wonder where the “want to” went, where the proverbial “carrot” to chase went. It’s in there, but it looks a lot different than I’d have guessed. For as much as I’d like to work through and understand the “why” of it all, the most concise conclusion I can come to is this—“I don’t know”…and others who think they can ‘diagnose’ it all, they don’t know either—not really. This is hard stuff. Behind the veneer of shiny profile pictures is a LOT of struggle and uncertainty doing creative work. Thanks for your transparency, Crystal! I hope clarity and joy come back soon to you. Have an amazing summer! **virtual hug**
Thank you for that virtual hug 🙂
Sometimes God calls us to a completely different place because He wants to teach us something about Him, or teach us something about us, or have us teach something to somebody else. Sometimes, He is getting us ready for something else that we just couldn’t ever imagine on our own if we stayed along the road that is familiar. But always, He is working for our good. I met you through the 31 Days challenge last year and I was always grateful for your encouraging spirit and your down-to-earth approach about all that we try to do here on the interwebs. When we are empty, He will restore. He is in the business of filling people up. I know I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know, but I do hope you will tangibly feel His comfort as you rest in the unknown. Thank you for encouraging me. May God bless you as you seek His will over what comes next.
Heather, you speak some wise words here, friend. Thank you for these. I needed to hear them (even if I do know them, sometimes they sink a little deeper coming from someone else).
You have given us a gift of joy and inspiration. Please don’t completely disappear. I would miss you a lot. Sending love and prayers for your place, purpose, and peace to be clear. D
I can’t imagine I’ll disappear completely 😉 Maybe just a vacation…or a sabbatical…or heck, I’ll have a blog post up by the end of the week with a giveaway. I might just disappear from the pressure of having to do “it” a certain way 🙂
I can’t even begin to tell you how close this is to my heart. How I just made a plan to unplug more this summer, because words are not flowing like they used to for me either. (I just deleted Twitter! and I’m taking a summer vacation from Facebook.) I think it’s my soul crying out to pray and think more deeply and be more in the present moment of my real life. God bless you on your journey, Crystal! When we make these decisions, even though they feel so counter-cultural, we are taking a leap of faith. And I am encouraged that we will find God’s peace and plan on the other side.
Praying for your time away from the noise, friend. You are such an encouragement to me and I’m so grateful that we get to connect in so many fun ways!