IF: Gathering happened this weekend – live in Austin, Texas and via live stream to thousands of women around the world who gathered in their living rooms and churches to hear what God had to say. To see what this ‘IF’ thing was really all about. I registered out of curiosity, recognition of some of the big names who were involved, and the fact that I’m an early-adopter who hates to feel left out of anything that seems like the next big thing.
If I’m completely honest? I didn’t want to like it. I didn’t want to be drawn to the speakers, impressed by the worship, delighted by the behind the scenes interviews. I fought all week in my mind about whether I would even tune in because it was all happening the same week as another big conference announcement, and this girl with this small blog and a tiny little platform was struggling. God was calling me to write a post about not wanting to write a viral post, and yet my heart was very much still craving to be known.
To be seen.
To be invited.
To be asked to participate.
Even if I knew I was out of my league, comfort zone, or skill set.
You never really stop feeling like you want to be part of the “in” crowd – you just learn to celebrate them instead of envy them. Or that’s the desire of my heart, anyway. Because, the truth is? I’m probably never going to be on a stage doing what those amazing, brave, Jesus-loving, Truth-sharing, authentic women did this weekend. I’m probably never going to be on a best seller list or be paid to speak or ever have the insanely cute hair of Angie Smith. I’m likely never going to be invited to go on a blogger trip or be given an award or even post twice in a week without typos. There are only so many conferences/opportunities and entirely too many already amazing women to choose from.
The enemy tried to convince me to be jealous, to believe that I was somehow – because I write these few words now & then on this page – entitled or deserving of being…anything. And in the past that would have worked, and I would have refused to do anything about the messages I’d heard while cooking dinner or baking cookies or doing any of the 100 daily mom things I did while the live stream played in the background. But God is asking me to do something else.
Because my identity and security aren’t going to come from standing on a stage or being part of a team of women who do incredibly brave, public things for the Kingdom. It’s found in God. And if that means that He keeps me in this space, with this community, writing these words – I believe that His purpose for my life will be done. The enemy tries to tell me I’m nothing.
The King tells me I’m His daughter.
So I might never start a charity, raise thousands of dollars for a non-profit, write a book, speak from a large platform, or have that viral post I don’t want to have anyway. And that’s ok. Honestly, I don’t know if there is anything life changing or impactful that God has planned for me after this weekend. I’m at peace with this: at the end of it all, when I’m face to face with God, He can look at my life and know that I believed. That I did all I could with all I was given while I ran the race. That I made it about Him, and not me.
If you tuned into IF: Gathering and would like to keep your “local” community going, I’d love to invite you to join (in)courage for (in)RL in April. I have a little invitation for you over at the (in)courage blog today 🙂