Crystal Stine

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I’m Sorry

Everyday faith

“Rejection steals the best of who we are by reinforcing the worst that’s been said to us.” – Lysa TerKeurst

I owe you an apology. For the last month or so I’ve found myself on a hard path that took me on a journey in my faith that I didn’t expect. Where I once worked out of love, I found myself working from a place of pride. I mixed up my calling and God-sized dreams with selfish desires. A little bit of opportunity went to my head and my expectations grew to a place where all I could see where all the things I thought I deserved and none of what God really had planned for me.

And although it had been mentioned that when these opportunities come, the enemy would like nothing more than to rip apart what God had built, I didn’t listen. I thought I would surely be able to see and stop anything coming my way before it was too late. I was wrong.

The enemy of our souls is out to seek and kill and destroy. And he knew exactly what to use, turning beautiful, God-given parts of my personality into traps.

  • Progress for pride.
  • Encouragement for envy.
  • Dreams for doubts.
  • Joy for jealousy.
  • Community for comparison.
  • Longing for loneliness.

So when rejection landed on my doorstep – kindly and without malice – my heart simply wasn’t in a place to handle it graciously. Every negative thing that had ever been said to me, or by me about myself, came washing over me until I couldn’t see anything hopeful. I dug down deep into work and shut myself off from community in the name of “processing” and “healing.” Sometimes even our best intentions, done outside the will of God, are lies.

You all prayed me through my recent trip to California, and I need to tell you that I felt every prayer. I had peace. I was excited! And when I arrived and got to spend time with family, my heart felt settled. The next few days were full of laughter and quiet time spent with God that I rarely make time for at home. There was worship and great food and sunshine and small moments with just a few people at a time – all the things that make my soul feel joy. I came home from that trip feeling like I belonged again. That I had a place, and feeling assured that God wasn’t done with me yet.

Oh friends. He’s not. He has so much more real, true healing to do in me. Because that settled feeling in my soul was a gift – a way to prepare my heart to do some deep, serious work on some long-held habits, patterns, and choices that I’m ready to be done with. So I’m taking the steps He’s guiding me to, but know this.

If, at any point, I have appeared stand-offish, I’m sorry. I could tell you that it’s because I’m an introvert who pretends to be an extrovert until she can’t and then everything shuts down for a bit. I could say it’s because I get overwhelmed easily in crowds, speaking publicly scares me more than I’d ever admit, and sometimes shutting down on the outside looks like a whole lot of prayer on the inside. But that doesn’t make it any less difficult for you to experience that side of me.

If, at any point, I have done exactly what James tells us not to do, running “hot and cold” – I’m sorry. I could tell you it’s because I will always and forever believe God’s truth for YOU, but struggle to believe it’s for myself. I could tell you that I don’t want to overwhelm you, take up too much of your time, bother you, or take up too much space. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t make me any less the reason that James calls it “the hard work of getting along.”

If, at any point, I’ve seemed uninterested, I’m sorry. I could tell you that it’s because I don’t know how to share about myself or my job or my projects. I never want to make anyone feel envious or hurt or not included or think more of me than what’s true, and so I don’t share. And sometimes I work on things I just can’t share about and instead of making a mistake and accidentally sharing, I stay silent. I could tell you that I don’t know that I’ve ever developed the tools to be genuinely happy – for myself or others, without jealousy creeping in – so I smile politely while my brain goes a hundred miles a minute to process. I could tell you that I’m a super private person (funny, for a blogger who loves social media) who never wants to be the center of attention (until she does, and then it’s a mess). But that doesn’t make it any easier for you to want to share with me.

And, if, at any point, I’ve stopped engaging with you on social media, I’m sorry. I could tell you that it’s because I saw how many “likes” and comments your posts got and assumed you’d never notice mine. I could tell you it’s because I was focused on other projects, other commitments, etc. But at the end of the day, I wanted what you had and noticed when my posts weren’t liked by you, so I stopped trying.

If, in the last year, I have caused you hurt or pain or confusion or anything else, I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?

I am, if nothing else, a work in progress. And instead of running away, I’m choosing to take a slow crawl forward to see what true processing and healing looks like. Because I’m tired of giving up, temporary fixes, and all this baggage I’ve been pretending I’m strong enough to carry for far too long. Every bit of hope, encouragement, or truth I’ve shared on these pages or anywhere else – it’s all been for you. And I’ve believed it all for YOU. Now I’m ready to believe it for me.

God is not done with me yet. Today, I will find joy in that.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Frannie Anne says

    Proud of our God Who continues to mold and use His people. Hoping this time continues to be sweet (even when it’s hard) and that we can all grow with you (because we desperately need it).

    Blessings!

  2. Joy says

    Thanks so much for sharing. I can absolutely relate. What an awesome God we serve who loves us so much that He wants us to walk in freedom from the baggage that weighs us down. ?

  3. Tara says

    For some reason my comments aren’t coming through. Crystal, thank you! Your words spoke to my heart today. I too often can find myself in this same spot. It helps to know we aren’t alone.

  4. Anna Popescu says

    Boy, can I ever relate to this, Crystal! It happened to me about 7 years ago and when I realized that I wasn’t “writing for God’s glory” (which was written on my business cards), I was mortified. I repented and asked God to forgive me, and then took about a 2-year hiatus from writing while I spent more time in the Word. I am so thankful for a God who loves me so much that He didn’t let me stay off track for long!

  5. misty0822 says

    I love that you are real! God uses the authentic in mighty ways. Embrace the seasons of correction. This is how you know that you truly belong to Yahweh. <3

  6. Heidi Guter says

    Thanks again for your transparency sweet friend. Similar feeling here… Glad we’re in good company ?

  7. Theresa says

    Thanks for your honesty and being human. Your sharing helps others. Life is about trying and falling time and again, but picking yourself up with God’s help. He is always ready to help and give grace. Remember to give yourself a big dose of grace and keep learning. Feeling for you. We’ve all been there, or will be sometime.

  8. Carolyn White says

    Secretly I follow your writing and pretend we are friends. 🙂 Not because I think you are famous but simply because you are so real…your heart so open…your words at times raw. And I love you for that. Be brave. Listen to Him. Do what you need to do.

  9. Jackie says

    Wow Crystal! Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart. I truly understand your struggle. It makes me feel better knowing that others feel this way also. I will pray for you to find joy in God’s work.

  10. Tonya Salomons says

    My sweet friend. These words. Your heart. And here in the cry of your heart know that God has used these words to remind me of certain things for which I need forgiveness. And aren’t you so glad it’s His kindness that leads us to repentance? Love you loads my friend. Sending so many smooshie hugs your way!

  12. Jessica says

    I wish I could give you a hug and tell you in person to give yourself a little grace. You just showed how very real and authentic you are- for that I am encouraged and grateful. <3

  13. Susan Mulder says

    Be encouraged! We are each a beautiful mess-created by Him and to fulfill his calling our our lives and hearts. He never promised it would be perfect only that he would love us through the process. He is doing a powerful and wonderful work in you and I have loved following your journey of honesty and change. You have been a blessing in my days and I am so happy to see more of your words 🙂

  14. Melissa Mulvaney says

    Oh sweet Crystal!!! Thank you for sharing your heart! God is honored in your vulnerability. Truly.
    What a blessing it is to me to read your beautiful words. May God be near as you crawl forward into all that He has for you. I know Him…and He has great things in store!
    Hugs friend!!!

  15. Jess Reiche (@jessreiche) says

    Thanks for sharing your heart and struggles. To be honest, I don’t read many blogs anymore but I always read yours. Your writing is unique and it’s a good thing. You’re fun and relatable and don’t use the flowery talk that drives some of us “get to the point people” crazy 😉 Keep doing you girl!